Apr 7, 2016

Pearls Before Swine

I don't know how many of you know the scripture Matthew 7:6, but here it is, "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." 
I'm starting my blog off with this because this is the basis of how my husband treats me. Let's start from the beginning.
When Dave and I first met, and even on our 1st couple dates; Dave looked at me as a girl he'd date a few times, make out with, get drunk with, and then, onto the next. If we're being honest, that's how we felt about each other. Neither of us were looking for a relationship. We thought the other person was hot, so let's kick it for a few days and move along. Isn't this the point of dating? Meet a ton of different people, learn what you like and don't, and have as much fun as possible?! At least, that was my point of dating experiences.
After hanging out with each other a few times though, things changed between Dave and me. We both felt it, we were aware that it was happening, and that meant that things were going to be different. Nothing scared me more in my life. It scared the hell out of Dave too. What scared him the most though, was realizing that I was the girl his Dad has raised him to love, and protect.
A little about my Father in Law. He and my mother in law have been married 40 years (I think. Don't quote me). Lou, (my father in law) treats Paula, (my mother in law) like she is the most precious thing on this earth. I've never met a more respectful, classy, protective, and non-controlling man, in all my life. He treats his wife the way that he taught his son to treat his future wife. He treats her as though she's the hope diamond. The most precious thing on this earth. He never degrades her, speaks poorly about her, and really just chooses to leave her out of conversations, unless it's speaking about her in the most high regard.
When my friends met Dave, they thought it was weird how he wouldn't talk about our intimate life. He would smile as his friends and mine, spoke about their relationships. He'd laugh at their stories, and have great conversations about them and their lives. He simply chose to never discuss ours. My friends thought that he was controlling, insecure, and didn't love me like I claimed. I would simply smile and tell them that I understood why they felt that way. The truth is though, is that he loves me perfectly.
To this day my Dad will make funny jokes, he's a pervert and is always making some funny comment about sex. Dave and I are constantly laughing at him. Dave's friends will text him about little funny quirks in their personal relationships, and he simply listens. Something Dave has never done though, is follow up about a story with me. He protects me. He keeps me safe. He keeps me separate from the world. Why does he do this? As Dave told me today in a text, "You're too good for this world."
I'm not telling you this to say how amazing I am, because that's simply not true. I'm telling you this because I never in a million years, imagined that I would be treasured in such a way. I never knew that THIS existed. I didn't know that there was a love and respect above anything that I had ever known in my life. I didn't know that there was a love where your entire purpose is to protect that person. Now I do.
You moms and dads understand this love. You protect your children. You shield them from the world. You make sure you don't say certain things to them. You don't allow them to hear certain stories, you don't like them to be cussed in front of, and you protect them from people that would otherwise hurt them. You protect them like they're special, because they are. Dave doesn't love me like you love your children, but he protects me in the same way.
Dave is part of a group of men online. They're all friends and they discuss everything. Just like I have my friends that come sit on my couch and talk about everything with me; he has them. We'll talk about stuff that they say, and it cracks me up. I asked him one time if they know about me. He said, "Of course not. They're not good enough to know you." It hit me then, stronger than it ever had before. For the 1st time since we got married 3 years before, it clicked why he would always say, "You're my Pearl." He loves me and protects me as though I'm the most special gem in the world. He doesn't talk about our life, share our intimate details with others, or let people know the truly unique parts of our life, because he chooses to not "cast his pearls before swine." It's a choice.
I'm not saying that people are bad, and that I'm amazing. If that's what this sounds like, forgive me. That's not my point. My point is to simply thank my husband for treating me like my Dad always taught me to strive for. The way that he loved and protected me when I was little. He treats me how I deserve to be treated, because I cherish him like he deserves. I love him the way he deserves. I respect, and honor him the way that I was taught by my mother. 
Dave loves me, and I love him. Because of that love, we protect ourselves from everything in this world that would look to hurt that bond that we have with one another. We've chosen to put our marriage first. We've chosen to love the other person, respect the other person, and protect the other person, the way that we want to be loved, respected, and protected. 
Marriage is a sacred experience. I'm talking about EVERY MARRIAGE ON EARTH. Marriage is sacred. It's special. It's something to be treasured and protected. You've made a commitment to one another that it's you against the world. You've chosen to walk with that person by your side, as your partner in crime. There's nothing more special, rare, or sacred, as a marriage between 2 committed human beings. It's sacred because it's a choice that you both make. You both sign on that dotted line. You both hold hands and jump in. You choose them, and they choose you. What's more special than that?
I'm honored to be Dave's chosen love. I'm blessed that he's allowed me to choose, and have him. I'm lucky to get to wake up every day to his beautiful face, and face everything this life throws at us, together. It's a gift. It's special. There's nothing I'd rather do more. It's hard, it takes work, and it takes commitment. It's the hardest thing that you'll ever experience, and the most beautiful choice you'll ever make. 
The honor I have of being Dave's "Pearl" is the greatest gift I've ever been given. My marriage is the most special thing to me on this earth, and being allowed to do it with the man that cherishes, and loves me, is something that no word could ever do justice. It's simply special. It's beautiful, and special. Nothing will ever compare, and I'm thankful that God loved me enough to send that boy into that gym that day. It'll go down as the greatest day in my life. The day my life changed forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mar 15, 2016

Because God is Here

Yesterday I was walking around downtown SLC. All of the sudden this insane storm started, and I had to take cover. I was close to my most favorite Cathedrals here in the city. I walked inside, and sat down on one of the back benches.

This particular Cathedral is very near and dear to my heart. When I was inactive in the Mormon church for 11 years, I still spoke with God daily. I still needed that connection. I wasn't able to entertain the idea of even giving the Mormon church a chance to give me that Godly peace, so I had to find another way.

I was 18 and living in SLC when I first went into this Cathedral. It's stunning. You walk in, and the Holy Water is in this beautiful dish. The music is playing ever so softly. Candles are lit, and people are on their knees in front of the statue of Christ our Lord. It's one of the most breathtaking things I've ever seen in my life. People, humbling themselves before God, asking for help. What is more beautiful than that?

Yesterday when I went in and sat down, after about 10 minutes the Priest walked over and sat by me. We started a casual conversation, and then he said, how long has it been since you've been to church? I told him that I was Mormon, but that I hadn't been in this Cathedral for about 8 years. He sat there and thought for a moment in silence. The peaceful feeling that this man gave off was beautiful. He then looked up and said "If you're Mormon, why do you come to a Catholic church?" My answer was simple. "Because God is Here. Just like he is in my church. I wanted to spend some time with God today." He smiled and thanked me for being there, and welcomed me back anytime.

I truly believe in my church. Even if I don't always agree with everything, I know it's true (for me). You that read my blog know that I don't care what religion, energy, faith, or spiritualism, you have. All that matters is that you have one.

Dave and I were talking last night about how every religion is based around the same idea. I can find pieces of my belief that coincide with Pagan's, Catholics, Islamic, Buddhism, and so on. We all have the same core. We all need someone, or some energy to turn to when things get hard. We all need that release when we feel like we can't go on. No matter how you find it, or by what means, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you believe, and have faith, that you matter to someone or something. You have a purpose on this earth. You have the strength to do the hard things in this life. It doesn't matter that I get my strength from a different being than you. All that matters is that you find it.

As I got up to leave this beautiful, peaceful, and reverent, building. I got on my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for allowing me to feel of his love in all things, and all places. I thanked him for the gift of life that I get every single day. I thanked him for giving me the will to keep going, because without him I don't think I could. Lastly, I thanked him for loving me no matter what I've done in this life. Thank you for being my Father and loving me unconditionally, and accepting me as I am.

As I walked back onto the wet and cold SLC streets, I felt renewed. I felt strengthened, and I felt loved. Thank you to the wonderful Priest that welcomed me into your Holy Church and allowed me to have such a beautiful experience with my Father in Heaven.


Mar 12, 2016

No More

I've thought about this post this entire week, as it is the week to end domestic violence. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I was actually questioning myself wondering if I should talk about my experience. Then a commercial came on, and they talked about how even when it's hard domestic violence and rape, need to be talked about. I don't know everyone's stories, but I do know 2 of mine. I hope one of them will bring some of you peace. I hope it'll let you know that you can move on. You can heal. You can be the best you ever. We just have to say No More.

I had just turned 18 in the summer of 2002. I was so excited to be an adult, start college, and all those other fun life experiences that come at that time. I was also very interested in boys, and back in those early days of AOL, I went on chat rooms to talk to guys.  Not so different from today.

One night a guy sent me a message. He sent me a picture, and I thought he was gorgeous. He was 35, so obviously mature, and he was into me! I was blown away! We started talking all day everyday for about a week. After 7 days we met up, and it was like fireworks. He said hi, and within a matter of hours he told me that I needed to lose weight. I was already so aware of how overweight I was that it crushed me. I knew if I didn't lose the weight I'd lose him. I knew that because he told me that he wouldn't be with a fat girl. Overnight, I stopped eating.

It was crazy how fast this guy wanted to start our life. He wanted to be with me all the time. He wanted to know where I was all the time, and what I was doing. He would tell me that it's because he loves and cares about me that he wants to know where I am. He wanted to make sure I was safe. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. I mean other than his swearing, putting my weight down, and constantly belittling me by telling me I was lying to him; he was perfect.

After 2 weeks we moved in together. I literally packed up my car in the middle of the night, moved out of my parents home, and into an apartment with him. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have this gorgeous, older guy, love me! I felt like a million bucks.

After 2 weeks, I had dropped 14 lbs. From there though, he started to control how I dressed. Suddenly he wanted me in professional business attire all the time. He picked out the clothes I would wear, tell me the way I needed to wear my hair, and what shoes would look appropriate. He even made me the manager of his real estate firm. It was as if we were starting a real life together.

Then suddenly, out the blue, something changed. It changed for the worse. Not only was I going over in my head every little thing I would say before I say it, just so he wouldn't get mad (which never worked), he started to cut my family out of my life. I wasn't allowed to talk to certain people. He refused to meet my family, and constantly told me that it didn't matter what they thought of him as long as I loved him.

He use to pop into the office 8, 9, 10 times a day, just to see where I was, if I was there, and if I wasn't, "Where in the hell were you?! Were you out with another guy?! You're such a whore. I knew you were cheating on me." I couldn't believe he would think I would cheat on him. He was everything to me. It was him and me against the world. How could he think I could do that to him? I loved him.

One day he decided that I was too close to my family. We packed up and headed to Vegas. I didn't know about his poker addiction.  I didn't realize that in days we'd be out of money and sleeping out of my car. He literally went through all my credit cards, my bank accounts, everything he could to find money so he could sit and play. All the while he demanded that I look like a 10 while I sat next to him for 18-20 hours a day. I'd literally be bathing and doing my hair in a casino.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror one of those days and wondering how in the world I got here in under 6 months. I was sleeping in my car, and wasn't allowed to have any contact with anyone but him. This isn't what it was supposed to be.

When I'd bring up my concerns to him, he'd instantly apologize, tell me that he'd make it all better, and he's so sorry for causing me pain. He's just under a little stress. I always forgave him, and we started the cycle all over again.

After Vegas was done, we drove to Colorado and started staying with his friend. They were wonderful and kind, but had no idea that constant hell I was living in. He was always checking my cell phone, he made me go everywhere with him. I remember sitting in a little run down bar while these old men played poker for 24-48 hours a day. There I sat/slept on the couch.

I'll never forget one day I had fallen asleep after being awake for more than 2 days. Instantly he got up and came over and sat by me. He grabbed my hand tightly and through gripped teeth he said, "You are to be here with me. How do you think it looks to these guys if my girlfriend isn't even on board with me?" I told him how tired I was, and I needed sleep. He grabbed me hard by the arm, pulled me outside and slapped me hard across the face. "There, that should wake you up. Now get the F out of my face. You're disgusting." 

I fell to the ground sobbing. I couldn't believe he just slapped me. I was in shock. I went into the bathroom, cleaned myself up, and we went home. When we got home, he told me how sorry he was and that he would never do it again. He was stressed about the game, and flew off the handle. I guess I could understand that, so I let it slide.

From there it got progressively worse. Finally I had the courage to run back to Utah in the middle of the night. He hounded me on my cell 24/7. I was so paranoid that he was around I could sleep, eat, or function. Within a week he had talked me into coming back out to CO. I did. I left in the middle of the night like always.

It goes on and on and gets worse and worse, until Christmas one year. I was in a dirty hotel room in Vegas. Only 6 hours from my family. I begged him to please let me go see my niece who was just 2 hours away (It was a complete lie, but I missed my family so). He told me that I could go, but if I wasn't back in 24 hours, he'd hunt down my now 3 year old niece and kill her.

I drove through the night only to get to my home 6 hours from Vegas at around midnight. I got a few beautiful hours with my family, and then I waved them goodbye. I felt like I was driving to my death. I felt like that was the last time I was ever going to see my family.

When I hit my Uncle and Aunts house 2 hours from Vegas, I stopped to thank them for putting gas in my car yesterday. I had just called my boyfriend to let him know I'd be "home" in 2 hours. I couldn't find my relatives house, so I just decided to screw it. I turned a corner, and there was their house. It was a miracle from God.

I went inside and thanked them, and told them that I had to go. My uncle looked at me and said, "Jilly, what do we need to do to make it so you never go back there again?"  I made up excuses that all my clothes were there, my computer, etc. He looked at me again and said, "I'll go replace all of it today if you'll just stay." I was sobbing. I told them I couldn't and I had to go.

I ran out to my car, got it in drive, and then screamed out loud. Tears were pouring down my face, and yet something inside of me told me that if I went back, I would never see my family again. He would kill me. I turned off the car, went back inside and said, "Okay, what do I need to do?"

From that day it was a really long road back to feeling normal. Back to not being scared that I was going to walk out of my house and have him there in my driveway. I couldn't go out places for awhile, I couldn't even function. I was a zombie. It took years of therapy to deal with these emotions, and the damage that was done by this sick, perverse man. But I did it. I made it. I'm one of the lucky ones.

My 2nd story will have to wait. I promise I'll tell you all about it some day. I just want any girl, teen girl, adult female, or any men too, to know that you can leave. You can get safe. You can rebuild after an abusive relationship. Reach out. There are so many that want to help you get out. They love you, and are genuine. Your abuser will never love you the way you want them to. They can't. They're not capable. Therefore you have to leave. I promise it will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but I'm sitting here typing this today because I did it, and I came out with my head up.

If anyone is in a situation that they need help to get out of, go to the link that I posted at the beginning. It's nomore.org You'll find tips, and avenues that are there for you to take to get back yourself, and to make sure you're safe in the process. You're not alone even though you feel so isolated. You have people that love you. Let them in. Let them help. Choose to Live.

Jan 8, 2016

The Thoughts I Hate

It will always get Better. I Promise.
This week has been extremely tough. My Bipolar was acting up, and I had this day of depression. It was some of the worst depression I have ever felt. All I could think of, was that this is what I lived with for weeks before I was 18 and on medication. It was crushing. It made my entire body physically hurt. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped in 2. It was excruciating. The worst part were the thoughts. Suicidal thoughts squeezed their way into my brain, and I couldn't breathe. Those are the thoughts I hate.

When I was 18-22 I was in the psych ward quite a bit because they hadn't found the right medications for me. I remember vaguely how horrible that depression was. I never thought I'd experience it again. That was, until yesterday. 

First let me tell you that I'm not suicidal. I was having suicidal thoughts, but I didn't have the desire to act on them. I knew I could make it through this because I wasn't suicidal. The thoughts were draining, painful, scary, lonely, and agonizing.

There was a moment when I was home all alone. I had just got off the phone with Dave, and I had sobbed the entire time. When I hung up I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth. Looking back I knew I just needed to be comforted, and so I had to comfort myself.

As I sat there rocking back and forth with these suicidal thoughts playing in my head, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then without realizing it, I had the thought that I hadn't prayed and asked my Father in Heaven to send me comfort. Instantly I cried out and asked him to heal my heart. I don't know how to describe what happened next, but I felt physical arms around me holding me tight. The feeling of love and comfort was something I had never experienced before. Slowly I stopped sobbing and was able to breathe. He sent me peace the moment I asked. Ask and ye shall receive.

The depression didn't go away. I didn't expect it to. What I asked him when I cried out was to just help me be able to handle this pain, and to please take those dark, evil, and crushing thoughts out of my head. He did. He listened to me, and he answered me. He answered me because he loves me. Just like he loves you.

You all know that I don't care what religion or beliefs anyone has. That's not my place to judge. I want each of you to know though, that no matter what you believe in, you can always ask for peace and comfort. It can be from my God, your God, Mother Earth, The Light and Energy, all of it. Just know that you can ask for peace. You can ask to be comforted, and you will be. You'll be comforted because whatever you believe, that spirit, soul, or energy, knows you. It loves you, and it's always there for you.

I don't know how many of you have had suicidal thoughts before, but they're terrifying. I knew I was okay because I didn't have a desire to act on them. Over the last 13 years I have learned how to deal with my illness. I know my limits, I know when I have to change, and I know when I'm in too deep. 

When I'm in that deep, numbness, the hardest thing is to reach out and ask for help. You have to though. Don't allow those thoughts to suffocate you. Don't give up. Keep going. Keep fighting. Your story isn't over. There's so much more to live for even though you can't see that now. I promise, you will make it through if you ask for help. Please, ask anyone. Email me. Just reach out, because you're never alone.

Nov 16, 2015

My Sweet Bavid

Oh my sweet angel. How much I love you, no words will ever say.
I talk about myself and what I go through a lot on this blog. I rarely discuss how my sweetheart handles our tough situations. He's amazing. Dave handles me with such love, care, patience, and understanding. Not only with our battle to have children, but he's amazing with my Bipolar. I could never ask for a better man.

I always thank his Dad for raising him like he did. Dave is a true gentleman because of his Father. Lou is an absolutely amazing Father in Law. I can't put into words how much this man means to me. For those of you that don't know, Dave is the only boy of 7 girls. He was trained how to treat women. His Father made sure of that. Thank you Dad.

Not only did is Father teach him, but his mom taught him how to love. I never imagined that I would ever be loved like he loves me. It's breathtaking, life changing, and the most beautiful experience God has ever given to me. He truly is the most perfect man on the planet. I don't say lightly. Dave is the most incredible human being that God has ever created. He's definitely the most incredible man for me.

I know that Dave was put on this earth to be with me. We both went through so much to finally be together. Crazy thing, Dave and I were both at our best friend's wedding. Truly, 5 years before I met Dave, he was the best man to my best friend's husband. I didn't meet him. Then we worked out at the same gym for years, and I never met him. It's because neither of us were ready. It had to be the perfect time, and the perfect place. It truly was.

I never knew how amazing life could be. Even when it's difficult, and trying, and hard; it's beautiful. This life I'm allowed to live with this amazing man, is more than I could ever hope for. I'm so blessed. I'm so lucky. I'm so grateful, to a loving Heavenly Father that sent him to me.

My sweet Bavid, I love you more than life itself. I can't imagine a day without you in it. You make life beautiful, and fun, and exciting. I'm so thankful to be your partner in crime in this life. We truly are, "Just 2 lost Souls swimming in a fish bowl" that happened to find each other. I love you my angel. Thank you for being you.

Oct 16, 2015

I'm Pregnant....Just Kidding

This is a post that I have held off writing for over a year. When June 2015 hit I knew it was getting to that time when it needed to be posted. I can't suffer in silence anymore, when I feel like I'm dying inside. This will probably be the most raw and real I've ever been on this blog, so hang in there. You might have a bleep a few curse words out by the end. Fair warning, right?

In May of 2014 I got a huge surprise. My cycle had started after stopping for more than 4 years. The doctor's told me that my body had gone into early menopause, and then my body said, "Gotcha!" Of course Dave and I were thrilled so we tried to get pregnant right away. It blew my mind when it actually happened. That's right everyone. In June 2014 I was pregnant. I was also pregnant in August 2014, October 2014, December 2014, February 2015, April 2015, May 2015, and July 2015. You read all that right. I have been pregnant 7 times, and I've had 7 miscarriages. For those of you that have never had a miscarriage, I'm not sure I'll do it justice by putting it into words, but I'm going to try.

Over the past few weeks as I've thought about this subject, I thought about the term 'Miscarraige' it's as taboo as speaking about mental illness in my part of the world, yet 1 in every 4 women will have one. I noticed as women would open up to me about their struggle, I was feeling more comforted and loved. I realized that if they did this for me, than that's exactly what I had to do for someone else. Thus, this post is being written.

The 1st time I lost my baby, I was strangely calm, and at peace. The fact that I could get pregnant at all blew my mind and gave me a HUGE amount of hope. A month before remember, this wasn't an option. I figured the first time was a fluke, but now that my body knows what to expect it'd be fine.

Pregnancy 2 was a little tougher on me physically. I was really struggling. On my 9th week I thought I was home free and I would get this little guy here FINALLY! Then, 4am comes along, and I have a miscarriage. Dave was out of town, so I drove myself to the hospital and sat there by myself as they cleaned me up, and cleaned my baby out. That caused me to sink in a depression unlike any I've ever known. Nothing helped. I found comfort and peace in nothing. I was finding myself hating every pregnant person I saw, every baby that cried, and every baby shower I got invited to. I can't tell you the hell that you're in when you're torturing yourself within your own mind.

I noticed after each pregnancy, and each loss, that I had one day where I was fine. Not fine; I was numb. This was one instance where I welcomed the nothingness. Then the next day would wake up and that crushing pain in my stomach reminding me that there's no longer a child inside me would hit. It took everything I had to get out of my bed just for the bathroom on those days. That's a hurt I can't describe in words. All I can say is that it's the closest thing I've ever known to hell on earth. I never imagined I'd go through it 5 more times.

You would think as each miscarriage happened that I'd give it a rest or take a breather, but I had the baby crave. Once you've had a human life growing inside you, you want it all the more. Every miscarriage I'd go through the same process, and then suck it up and tell myself I could do it all over again.

After a year I went to the doctor and told him what was going on. They put me on fertility drugs. Pardon my french but they are the shittiest drugs on the planet! They make you feel like you're pregnant x 10, yet you're body is just getting itself ready. The best part is when those fertility drugs don't take month, after month, and you feel like you're gaining weight and going through hell for something that will never happen.

Finally after 7 miscarriages, I had to take a break. I had to breathe. I had to refocus and realize that Jill is amazing. Jill as a functioning adult woman kicks ass. Would she make an amazing mother? She WILL make an amazing Mother, someday.

So that's where I'm at today. I'm still at that point where babies send me over the edge, where pregnant mama's make me cry, and where at least once a day I have a pity party for myself. As long as I can keep all the crazy thoughts aside (like God doesn't want to have a kid-I'm too crazy-You'll be a screaming maniac) I can focus on the day before me. I breathe in and breathe out and enjoy what I have right now (easier said than done).

I know some of you will tell me that I'm so young and I have all the time in the world. Time is not what I'm worried about. My psyche is what I'm betting on here, and it ain't lookin too good on my side of the dugout.

Through all of this, I'm grateful for the most amazing husband who always cheerfully says, "We'll just try again next month babe!" or, "I know it's hard love. We'll get our babies here. Don't you worry. You're too good a woman to not be a mom of your own." He's amazing. Dave is my strength, my saving grace, the love of my life, my best friend, and my true soulmate. I don't know what I'd do without that kid by my side. I'm blessed beyond words.

I'm also very grateful for the knowledge that God loves me. He's aware of me. He knows that I'm hurting. He counts my tears, and he holds me as I cry, I never get an explanation, but his comfort is as good as gold. The comfort, peace, and love, he sends me, sustains me. I know I can keep going. I will keep going.

To all of you amazing, beautiful, talented, women out there that have experienced something similar, don't ever be ashamed about it. Don't talk about it as if you did something wrong, because you didn't. You're perfect as you are and some time science just doesn't work in our favor. God is all powerful and in total control, but he doesn't tell the rock slide to happen and crush the couple walking, or the car accident while someone is texting, or your body not agreeing with a fetus and it rejects it. He's not punishing you even though it some times feels that way. He's there for you. He loves you. Ask, and he'll lift you in your time of need.

To all you other ladies still trying, don't give up hope. If I can keep going, I know you all can too! Even if I don't know you, you're in my prayers daily. My heart aches for you and wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. I'd tell you, "Keep going. Keep fighting. It won't feel like this forever. This time too shall pass. This is but a small moment in your journey, and if you endure it well, you'll come out on top!" I promise. I truly believe that. If you need an extra boost feel free to email me. xo

Sep 4, 2015

Be Fruitful, Multiply, and Subdue the Earth

As most of you know, I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you follow my blog, you also know that I believe that everyone should have something that brings them hope and comfort in their lives. It doesn't matter what religion, or God, or Mother Earth, that you have faith and hope in. The only thing that's important is that you have your own belief and faith in whatever capacity that may be. That being said, I'm going to talk about a subject that came up in the April 2015 LDS General Conference. I just wanted to prepare you all for that.

Elder Joseph Sitati, gave a talk about the title of this blog post, "Be Fruitful, Multiply, and Subdue the Earth". He taught us that the reason we were commanded to multiply is because it prepares us to be like our Father in Heaven. God loves each of his children here on earth, and those that have yet to come. He loves each of us perfectly and unconditionally. The only way we would be able to gain a knowledge of that love is to have children of our own (however that may be accomplished). Then he said this, "Those that don't have the opportunity to have children on this earth because of something not of their making or will, will have the opportunity to have that blessing in Heaven". That's great and all, but it doesn't ease my aching heart right now. Is that God's fault or my own?

I know my Father in Heaven loves. He tells me so each and everyday with little things that happen in my life. The one part where I question him constantly is why in the hell He refuses to give me children? I know I'm not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes, and I'm going to make a lot more, but I'm just as loving, and caring as any Mother out there. I don't understand why some women get this blessing/commandment from God, and a lot of us don't. A lot of the times women who don't want to be Mother's at all because of their circumstance in life, still get children. How in the world is that fair?!

As I sat listening to this talk, I prayed for comfort. I prayed to know why I must suffer through this insanely tough trial. That answer came very quickly, and it wasn't something I wanted to hear. My Father in Heaven told me that this is our (all women that have infertility) cross to bear. He gives us trials to strengthen us, and to mold us into the women that we have always been meant to be. It's teaching us that even though we can't bring children into this world, we can still love the children in this world. We can help them, love them, and teach them about their Father's plan for them.

I'm currently a Sunday school teacher in my church. I teach the 16-18 year old young adults. What I have learned by teaching this class, is that I'm able to love these children as if they were my own. The young adults I teach text back and forth with me throughout the week about life, and the lesson that I'll be teaching on Sunday. Those kids (that's what I call everyone) are amazing. I didn't go to church as a teenager. It blows my mind that these 18 year old kids have the faith and knowledge that Jesus came to this earth to atone for their sins, pains, and heartaches. They know He loves them. They KNOW it. That's something that I didn't get until my 20's. 

Before I taught the teenagers, I taught the 3 year old children. That was the class that taught me about love. Those were the sweet angels that touched my heart in a way they will never be able to comprehend. They changed the course of my life for the better. They taught me, in a very small capacity, what the Savior feels towards children. I love each of them more than I can ever express. I still keep in contact with my sweet angels even though I've moved from that city, and I always will. I truly loved them as if they were my own. I have the capacity to be Fruitful, and to teach the children in this world about their Father's plan for them, and the love their Savior has for them. He did bless me with this gift/commandment. He just blessed me with it in a different way than most.

To those of you women that are heartbroken, sad, angry, depressed, resentful, and just plain pissed off at God; I understand. I know that pain that feels your heart every time someone in your family has a new baby. I understand how badly you hate to go to baby showers, and sometimes you simply just can't show up. I know the anger that you have in your heart with each month that goes by and you don't get pregnant. I know how horrible fertility drugs are, and how devastating it is when they don't work. I get it. I know your heart. I know your pain. I know your anger. I want YOU to know that I love you, and I'm always here for you.

The pain that we feel by not being able to carry our own children is often unbearable. Their is someone that can ease that pain, and cure your aching heart. Your Savior, Jesus Christ came to this earth, bled in the garden, and died on the cross for that exact reason. The atonement wasn't just meant for the sins we commit, or grace from our Father. The atonement was to heal all aches (physically, emotionally, and mentally), all pains, all heartbreaks, and all anger.

Your Savior can ease your heart and soul. I know this because he does it for me all the time. Does that mean that you're never going to hurt again? Of course not. You'll hurt for the rest of your life, but through that hurt and pain, know that your heart can be healed. Your broken heart can be mended, and you will be able to feel of your Saviors love as he sends you the peace you ask for. Remember, "Ask and ye shall Receive". That's a promise from our loving Heavenly Father. Ask for that comfort in the name of Jesus Christ, and he will send it. I promise.

Jul 27, 2015

Project Semicolon

 I don't know what a semicolon means to you, but to me it stands for something far more important that a simple punctuation.

Most of you that read my blog know that I have Bipolar I Disorder. What does that mean? Well, it means way too much to get into right now, but part of it means that I get depressed. At times, suicidal.

Before I was diagnosed with this disease I didn't know what was going on inside my brain. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. At age 16, 18, and 22, I had to be put in a psychiatric hospital because I had either attempted suicide, or knew I wasn't safe alone. These were some of the most hard, trying, and lonely, times of my life.

I got diagnosed with Bipolar I at age 18. Even after being on medication I became suicidal (my medication wasn't working correctly). I isolated myself, and shut the world out. I sunk lower and lower than I ever imagined possible. I finally got to a place that was so dark, and empty, that I became completely numb. If you've been there, you know that feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all.

I had left early one morning, walked up this mountain and came to a cliff. I sat there talking to God and making peace before I jumped. I knew how much he loved me, and I knew he'd understand. No one deserved to feel this way. If anyone knew how this felt, they wouldn't ask me to keep going. As I stepped onto the edge of that cliff, an angel in the form of an inspired woman stopped me. She literally talked me off the ledge.

I didn't how I was going to get better, but while in the hospital I found some hope. I still wanted to die, but I also wanted to LIVE. I knew that if I could hold onto that hope, I might have a chance.

Over 10 years have come and gone since that moment. I've spoken to schools, on Oprah, to mental health professionals, newspapers, and government agencies, all over America, with the hope of getting medical coverage for mental illness, AND letting people know that they can learn to live again. I promise, it is possible to come back from suicide. It is possible to truly Live Again.

A few years back I lost one of my best friends, along with my uncle to suicide. It's been my mission from that point on to teach everyone I can that you can learn to love life again, and that it's okay to struggle. It's okay to ask for help, and it's even more okay to accept it.

If you know or think someone is struggling but don't know what to do, simply reach out. Send a text, an email, a phone call, a card, ANYTHING. Be a Savior to someone. You never know what an impact it will make if you don't Try.
YOU CAN SAVE A LIFE (just like mine).