Apr 7, 2010

My Thoughts

So I have been posting donations so much this week and I haven't had a chance to post how I am feeling. I can't express in words how deeply touched and how amazingly grateful I am for the love and support that has come my way. People that have known me for years, people that have just met me, people that know be through the last year, and people that have never even met me, have touched me so deeply. Your outpouring of love is the most amazing act of kindness and true charity that I have ever experienced. I can't express to each of you what you mean to me. I wish so badly that I could wrap my arms around each of you and tell you how much I love you!

This week has been a rough week. I don't know if my body is just kind of giving up because it knows the surgery is so close or if I am just really weak, but whatever it is I can tell you I am exhausted! Last night was horrible. I slept all day yesterday and then spent the entire night throwing up so violently sweat was pouring from my face and chest. I hadn't even eaten anything either which was weird, because I only really throw up when I eat something. My body seems to just slowly be shutting down though. Today I have tried to rest and slept until about 2 hours ago. I just can't seem to get the strength to do anything. I can't tell you what strength your love has given me. It helps me get out of bed to be able to post things on my blog. To know that I have to update my Facebook because people genuinely are concerned and want to know how I am doing. It's such an amazing feeling to know that someone cares. I had no idea there were so many amazing people in this world.

I want you to know how thankful I am for each of you. I know I don't have all the money yet, but I know we will get there. I know I am going to be able to have this surgery and be able to live. I have to tell you that when my doctor told me that I had to have this surgery to save my life I was terrified. Then when he said I had to have to money up front I knew I was going to die. I knew that there was no way that I would be able to pay for my surgery, and I truly thought that I was just going to slowly die. I was scared to death. I have never felt that way and I hope no one ever has to feel that way.

I can't express the gratefulness I have to my Father and Mother for donating the first $15,000 dollars toward my surgery. They have truly given everything they have for me and I can't explain how truly thankful I am to them. Because of my parents and each of you I am going to be able to live. Because of the kindness of all of you I am going to be able to continue to live with my sweet husband. I fight everyday so that I can spend one more day with my Dave. He makes my world go round. I love him more than anything in this world and if it wasn't for him I would have given up so long ago. I can't describe the pain I have been in for the last year. I can't describe the horrible exhaustion I have had. I can't verbalize the overwhelming emotional and mental trauma this has caused in my life, and I know I wouldn't have gone this long and kept fighting without my sweet husband Dave standing by my side.

There have been so many days when I have not wanted to wake up. There have been so many times I have gone to sleep and prayed that God would take me home, but I know I am here for a reason. I know I have gone through all of this for a purpose and although I don't know what the purpose is at this moment, I know I will one day.

I can't wait for the day that I am able to give back to someone what all of you have given to me. You have given me my life. I know that this surgery is not a 100% guarantee that I will live. I know there is a huge possibility that I will die from this and never wake up, but I know that if I don't have it there is a 100% chance that I will die. I am having this surgery for a chance to live. I couldn't do it without you and I just want each of you to know how grateful for each of you in my life. For your donations, your prayers, your support, your love, and your outpouring of kindness you have shown me over the past year. I can't wait to have many more years with each of you! Thank you for giving me that opportunity. I would not have it without you!

Love,
Jilly Roberts Strasburg

2 comments:

Vicki said...

Jill,
Reading this post is so hard. The thought of the suffering you are going through is just gut wrenching. You have so many people out here that love and care for you! If hopes and prayers count for anything, you will get better and be able to live a normal life again! Rest up for the surgery and remember that we are all pulling for you! Love you!
Vicki

Jilli said...

Vicki I love you so much! You mean the world to me. It's okay that I have to go through this because I am going to get better. I have people like you to pull me through. You have been the most amazing person through all of this. I owe so much to you and I can never repay you, but just know you are helping to save my life. I love you so much!