May 18, 2011

A woman who says it much better than me.

I know a lot of you don't know my personal struggle with not being able to have children like a "normal" woman. I don't share this with really anyone. I don't talk about how bad it hurts, how it makes me cry, how I have sobbed for hours and hours, how I write in my journal about how badly I want to be a mother, or how badly I want my husband to be a father. I don't talk about any of this, because it's easier not to.

Truth be told, I play it off and act like I don't want kids right now. It's a lie. I would do anything in this world to be a mother. It's all I could ever want from this life, next to being with my husband. I have the most amazing husband on the planet, and he gets me through each day. I don't know how I would do this thing called "Life" without him by my side. I know I have babies that are coming to me although I don't know how I will get them. I don't know when, or in what shape or form, but I know they are mine. That being said, I want to quote this beautiful woman's thoughts on the subject. My sweet cousin sent me the link to her blog today and I took a minute to read it. If you would like to go to her blog click here. This is how she stated her battle with infertility.....

Truth be told, it's not about reading. It's not about the fact, that for some reason, both of my boys ALWAYS (I mean always. WHAT GIVES??) skip the number four when they are counting.
It's the fact that I love to put everything on me.
MYTH: My infertility is about me. Personally.
This blog post is for me.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.
He CHOSE you.

It is hard.
You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,
It's ok.
Because it's not fair.
Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.
But yours does not.
And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,
sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.
It is not an attack of your character.
It is not a punishment for something you have done.
It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.
Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.
You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.
He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!
Everything you have been given, has been given by God.
"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.
But don't ever feel broken.

To all of you amazing women who struggle with infertility, just know that I love you. You are in my prayers daily, and I am thankful for you strength.


Briana said...

That was absolutely beautiful. I completely agree, we agree to our trials that we are given before we come to earth. And we accept them whole heartedly knowing that by going through them we are brought closer to our Heavenly Father.

Jill, you have been given enormous physical trials. I am always astonished at how gracefully you have handled them, dealt with them, conquered them. You are truly a model of integrity, hope and enduring faith.

I love you.

Jilly said...

Wow Brie, I'm so touched. That meant more to me then you will ever understand. I read it to Dave, and he said "Brie is a good friend. I love her." We love you so much Brie. You have given me strength so many times. I love you more than I can express in words.

.From Her. said...

Hey! I'm so glad that you stopped by. You and your husband are a beautiful family!! I know all about the aches and pains of infertility. Lots of love coming your way.

Keep in touch.

Roberts Family said...

I'm so sorry that you have to struggle with that. I couldn't even imagine. I know that no matter how you become parents that you will be amazing! The way you guys have handled the past few years proves that over and over again. We love you guys!!

Christal said...

You don't know me and I don't even remember how I found your blog! But I love your blog and Taylor's. I also have infertility going on 14 years since I got married it hurts so much, so I hurt for you cause I know just how you feel! We have been blessed to adopt through lds family services though four beautiful children and I wouldn't change that for anything. Just wanted you to know that, its not easier and it really never gets easier its moving on and doing something and finding out the lord's plan is different from ours and finding the path we are meant to follow... usually works out for the best..hang in there.

Jilly said...

Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your story with me. I appreciate knowing about other couples struggles as well. Thank you so much for your comment.