May 18, 2011

New York, New York

I have to do a little shout out to my amazing man. I know I have already posted once today, but I have to tell a quick little story on how cute my Davey is. I was sitting on my bed working on a recipe when he came into the room turned our song, "New York, New York", walked over to me and took me by the hand and danced with me in our bedroom. He has no idea how much this meant to me. The fact that I know he loves me more today then he did the day he married me. The way that he still looks at me like it's the first time he ever saw me. And his passion to keep our love alive like we were newly married. He is amazing.

Dave, thank you for all you do for our little family. You are amazing. I have the most amazing husband on this planet. I can't believe you picked me. Thank you for making me smile and being there to hold my hand when I'm scared. I love you from here to the dogs.

A woman who says it much better than me.

I know a lot of you don't know my personal struggle with not being able to have children like a "normal" woman. I don't share this with really anyone. I don't talk about how bad it hurts, how it makes me cry, how I have sobbed for hours and hours, how I write in my journal about how badly I want to be a mother, or how badly I want my husband to be a father. I don't talk about any of this, because it's easier not to.

Truth be told, I play it off and act like I don't want kids right now. It's a lie. I would do anything in this world to be a mother. It's all I could ever want from this life, next to being with my husband. I have the most amazing husband on the planet, and he gets me through each day. I don't know how I would do this thing called "Life" without him by my side. I know I have babies that are coming to me although I don't know how I will get them. I don't know when, or in what shape or form, but I know they are mine. That being said, I want to quote this beautiful woman's thoughts on the subject. My sweet cousin sent me the link to her blog today and I took a minute to read it. If you would like to go to her blog click here. This is how she stated her battle with infertility.....

Truth be told, it's not about reading. It's not about the fact, that for some reason, both of my boys ALWAYS (I mean always. WHAT GIVES??) skip the number four when they are counting.
It's the fact that I love to put everything on me.
MYTH: My infertility is about me. Personally.
This blog post is for me.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.
He CHOSE you.

It is hard.
You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,
It's ok.
Because it's not fair.
Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.
But yours does not.
And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,
sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.
It is not an attack of your character.
It is not a punishment for something you have done.
It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.
Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.
You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.
He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!
Everything you have been given, has been given by God.
"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.
But don't ever feel broken.

To all of you amazing women who struggle with infertility, just know that I love you. You are in my prayers daily, and I am thankful for you strength.