Sometimes I Cry.....

I was sitting on my bed tonight watching a show with my husband like I do every Sunday.  It had been a long day.  It was a really good day, but long and I was glad to be relaxing.  During the show I got hungry (something that happens to me about every 2 hours).  I decided to get up and make some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  I knew it was fast simple and would go down easily.  My husband paused the show while I went and made my snack (I can't believe we can now pause TV).  I came back and ate a little bit while watching some more of our show.  About 10 minutes into eating the pasta I knew something wasn't right.  My stomach started to hurt and so I loosened up my clothes, drank and little sip of soda, and did everything I know to do to make me feel better.  Well, it just wasn't helping.  Our show was an hour long, and during the remaining 30 minutes I felt myself get more and more nauseated.  Because of the surgery I just had I wasn't in severe pain and I was very grateful for that, but I was sick.  I knew my food had gotten stuck.

After the show finished, I was doing everything I could to try to get this food to go down.  I started to watch the Oscars to take my mind off things, but unfortunately it didn't help.  I went for the anti nausea pill hoping that maybe I was just a little nauseated and the food wasn't really stuck.  I just didn't want to have to deal with throwing up tonight.  I just wanted a break.

About 30 minutes into the Oscars, and after a few awards had been handed out the nausea hit me so hard I jumped up from my bed and ran to the bathroom.  I vomited harder and more violently then I had in awhile, and I just lost it.  I sat on the ground and just started to cry.  My sweet husband came in and rubbed my back and helped me up off the floor.  He walked me into our bedroom and gave me a hug, and I just couldn't stop crying.  I'm just sick of being sick. 

I struggle with this so much because I am so thankful for my life, and I'm so blessed with all that I have, but it's times like this that just really suck.  These are moments when I'm worn out, exhausted, and sick of throwing up, hurting, being nauseated, and having to worry about every single thing I put in my mouth.  

I'm not saying that I don't have a great life because I do.  So please don't feel like I'm saying poor me and how my life is so terrible because that's not it at all.  It's just that some days I would like to eat a meal and have it go down without any problems.  I would like to go 1 entire day, just 24 hours, without vomiting.  I would like to go even 12 hours without being nauseated.  I would just like 1 day back where I'm not sick, and I could live my life like I did the 1st month I was married to my husband.  I would like to give my husband a day where his heart doesn't have to break because I'm bent over the toilet holding my stomach and hurting, and there's not one thing he can do about it. 

As I'm writing this right now tears are streaming down my face.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I still have bad days.  Sometimes I still get on my knees and ask God why I have to go through this.  Sometimes I just hug my husband and and weep because I'm sick of this.  I'm sick of bad days.  I'm sick of being nauseated.  I'm sick of having to worry if the pants I'm trying on are too tight to wear out because if they push too hard on my stomach I will be sick all day.  I'm sick of having to come home from dates with my husband because I'm too sick to finish our date.  I'm sick of going to a restaurant and having to get up in the middle of my meal to go and throw up in the bathroom.  Yes, there are times when I feel like giving up and screaming "I'm sick of being sick!"

And then I have my amazing, incredible, and loving, husband walk back into the room, see that I'm crying why I write my blog and come and hug me and say, "Jilly this is part of the adventure.  You've made it 3  years in and you're alive.  I love you, I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you."  And it puts things into perspective and makes me realize that it's true.  I know this is my life and it's always going to be this way, but the plain and simple fact is that sometimes I cry.

5:53 am Thursday

Well I'm awake right now because I went to bed at about 8pm last night.  I was really struggling with some panic attacks and depression.  This lovely Bipolar disease I have can sure take the wind out of my sails at times.  I know some of you are thinking, What in the world does she have to be depressed about?  She just had her photo shoot for Utah Valley Magazine, she's a stay at home wife, and so on.  The truth is, depression doesn't care who you are. That's the nature of the beast.  I have learned though, and I know my bipolar well enough to know that it will only be around for a day or 2, so even though I felt like I was going to die due to lack of air getting into my lungs when I had a full on panic attack at the pharmacy I made it.  I came home, got some medicine, laid in my bed, took a bath and cried through the whole thing, got out and went to bed.  I know that I'm going to have days like this.  It doesn't mean that I like them.  If I had it my way I would be happy go lucky Jill all the time, but about once a month I get a couple of days of depression, panic and it sucks, but it is what it is.  We all have our things, and this is one of mine.

Kenneth Linge

FAB 50 Utah Valley Magazine 2009

I did have a really cool day this week though that had absolutely nothing to do with Bipolar, and everything to do with this blog.  The Utah Valley Magazine is doing a series called the FAB 50, and I got nominated!  I was so excited and flattered, so first let me thank all of you who nominated me for the job.  I have amazing friends and great readers!  2nd I found out who the photographer was and I about died.  I have been a fan of Kenneth Linge for over 10 years.  I have wanted to meet him, and have my pictures taken by him more than anyone will ever understand.  He is truly amazing in my eyes, and I think he is able to capture the soul of someone through his photography.

On Monday I got to meet him, talk with him for over an hour, learn about him, and then be photographed by him.  Before I left he asked for my number and said he would love to photograph me again.  I was so excited.  I can't tell you what an amazing man he is.  Although at times his thick Norwegian accent was difficult to understand his soul was easy to read, and his eyes were warm, welcoming, and soft.  He truly was an incredible man, and I feel blessed to have had the experience to spend some time with that great man.

I look back over my life at times and the experiences I have had, and the people I have had the opportunity to meet, and I feel so blessed.  I know people are put in my life for reasons whether it be for me or for them, either way I feel so lucky to have crossed paths with them.  I have learned something from every person I have met.  And whether it has been a one time meeting or they are now one of my best friends I am thankful that at one time or another they have impacted my life for the good.  Life really is a journey and I'm grateful that I have a 2nd chance to live it.

I hope all of you are having a great day and got a chance to tell someone that you love an extra "I Love You" or "I'm thankful you're here" on Valentine's Day even though we need to be doing more of that everyday.

Thanks for all your prayers while I was in the hospital this last few weeks getting surgery.  I want you all to know that I'm doing great and feeling better!  I'm slowly getting back to being "Jilly" again, and I know it's because of great friends like all of you.  Have a great weekend my friends!

Love,

Jilly