Feb 26, 2012

Sometimes I Cry.....

I was sitting on my bed tonight watching a show with my husband like I do every Sunday.  It had been a long day.  It was a really good day, but long and I was glad to be relaxing.  During the show I got hungry (something that happens to me about every 2 hours).  I decided to get up and make some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  I knew it was fast simple and would go down easily.  My husband paused the show while I went and made my snack (I can't believe we can now pause TV).  I came back and ate a little bit while watching some more of our show.  About 10 minutes into eating the pasta I knew something wasn't right.  My stomach started to hurt and so I loosened up my clothes, drank and little sip of soda, and did everything I know to do to make me feel better.  Well, it just wasn't helping.  Our show was an hour long, and during the remaining 30 minutes I felt myself get more and more nauseated.  Because of the surgery I just had I wasn't in severe pain and I was very grateful for that, but I was sick.  I knew my food had gotten stuck.

After the show finished, I was doing everything I could to try to get this food to go down.  I started to watch the Oscars to take my mind off things, but unfortunately it didn't help.  I went for the anti nausea pill hoping that maybe I was just a little nauseated and the food wasn't really stuck.  I just didn't want to have to deal with throwing up tonight.  I just wanted a break.

About 30 minutes into the Oscars, and after a few awards had been handed out the nausea hit me so hard I jumped up from my bed and ran to the bathroom.  I vomited harder and more violently then I had in awhile, and I just lost it.  I sat on the ground and just started to cry.  My sweet husband came in and rubbed my back and helped me up off the floor.  He walked me into our bedroom and gave me a hug, and I just couldn't stop crying.  I'm just sick of being sick. 

I struggle with this so much because I am so thankful for my life, and I'm so blessed with all that I have, but it's times like this that just really suck.  These are moments when I'm worn out, exhausted, and sick of throwing up, hurting, being nauseated, and having to worry about every single thing I put in my mouth.  

I'm not saying that I don't have a great life because I do.  So please don't feel like I'm saying poor me and how my life is so terrible because that's not it at all.  It's just that some days I would like to eat a meal and have it go down without any problems.  I would like to go 1 entire day, just 24 hours, without vomiting.  I would like to go even 12 hours without being nauseated.  I would just like 1 day back where I'm not sick, and I could live my life like I did the 1st month I was married to my husband.  I would like to give my husband a day where his heart doesn't have to break because I'm bent over the toilet holding my stomach and hurting, and there's not one thing he can do about it. 

As I'm writing this right now tears are streaming down my face.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I still have bad days.  Sometimes I still get on my knees and ask God why I have to go through this.  Sometimes I just hug my husband and and weep because I'm sick of this.  I'm sick of bad days.  I'm sick of being nauseated.  I'm sick of having to worry if the pants I'm trying on are too tight to wear out because if they push too hard on my stomach I will be sick all day.  I'm sick of having to come home from dates with my husband because I'm too sick to finish our date.  I'm sick of going to a restaurant and having to get up in the middle of my meal to go and throw up in the bathroom.  Yes, there are times when I feel like giving up and screaming "I'm sick of being sick!"

And then I have my amazing, incredible, and loving, husband walk back into the room, see that I'm crying why I write my blog and come and hug me and say, "Jilly this is part of the adventure.  You've made it 3  years in and you're alive.  I love you, I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you."  And it puts things into perspective and makes me realize that it's true.  I know this is my life and it's always going to be this way, but the plain and simple fact is that sometimes I cry.