Oct 11, 2012

You can't be Positive ALL the time

 I am truly grateful for all the people in my life who tell me that I have such a great attitude considering all of my health problems.  I admit that for the most part I really do try to keep a smile on my face and take everything with a grain of salt.  

I have come to terms that I will most likely have to have an endoscopy every single month to stretch open my stomach so I can eat.  I have dealt with having nausea 24/7, 365 days a year. I am okay with the fact that when I go out to eat, the meal I order will be coming home with me.  If I try to eat at a restaurant with a restricting bra pushing on my stomach I will throw up, so I go and enjoy being with my friends and husband; and I have a great meal when I get home in my pajamas.  It doesn't bother me anymore that I throw up at least once a day; no matter what.  It doesn't bother me that I wake up out of a dead sleep to throw up in the trash can next to my bed; I just roll over and go back to bed after.  I know that I have to have a huge purse FULL of certain meds, snacks, liquids, and insurance cards, every time I leave my house because I never know what the day holds.  I am even okay with knowing that I have about 3-4 hours worth of energy every day that I can get things done, and after that I have to sit down and take a break.  

I have learned how to live this new life that came after getting sick in 2009.  Not only have I learned how to live it, but I am truly thankful that I have a chance to live it.  But I want each of you to know that even though I love my life and am grateful for it, I am not happy and positive all the time.  Even Jilly has "Bad Days".

Have I mentioned lately that I have an amazing husband??  haha  Because I truly do.  Dave is so amazing, and patient with all he has to put up with when it comes to being my husband.  He is the person who see's me cry when I just want to eat because I'm hungry, but I'm too nauseated.  He has learned how to read my lips because at times the nausea is too bad that if I speak out loud I will throw up.  He carries me to the car when I am screaming in pain because food is stuck in my stomach, and he is the one that drives me to the ER and stays with me for the 4 hours it takes for the doctor's to get me well enough to come home.  

Dave comes and rubs my back while I hang my head over the toilet when I have eaten something I shouldn't.  He then will scrub down the bathroom because I'm too weak to clean it.  He never gives me grief about eating something that I know will make me sick, and always does make me sick.  He is the man who sits next to me on the couch when I am crying because I'm so frustrated with feeling sick.  He was the one who put his arms around me last night when I had to call my girlfriend, who I was so excited to go to dinner with; and tell her that I can't go because my food had been getting stuck all day and there was no way I would be able to go that night.  He makes jokes to try to make me laugh through my tears when I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party.  

The most important thing that Dave does is that he loves me through my pity party.  He knows that it's not going to last very long, and that I will be happy in a few minutes, but he lets me have my pity party.  He let's me whine and cry to him, and listens to me yell at God and ask him "why?", when he knows I should be asking "what?"  And Dave never, ever, gets mad at me for being sick.  He never asks why he has to deal with this, or why life doesn't get easier for him or his wife.  He just continues to love me unconditionally.

Dave is my hero.  He is the only one that see's my bad days.  He is the only one that is there 24/7 to see what I go through, and he is the one that stands by my side no matter what it is that I may be going through.  I complain all the time!  I cry all the time!  And I have been known to throw some fits; but not Dave.  He laughs at me when I am throwing my fits, and is there to hug me when I'm done.  He goes through so much that I will never understand, and he never whines about a bit of it.  So for all of you who think I'm positive and happy with the crap that I go through, you should meet my husband.  He goes through just as much, if not more than me, and never complains about a thing.  Now there is a man that is positive and happy all the time.  

People have told me that I'm their role model, and all I have to say to that is: "You should meet my husband."