This weekend and today have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I have been dealing with a lot of stomach problems and have surgery on Friday. I lost a very dear friend which was heart wrenching because of some stupid decisions, and lastly going through the repentance and forgiveness process in your heart and mind if very hard to deal with.
I have never claimed to be a great person. I like to think I'm a good person, but I make mistakes on a daily basis. I will be the 1st one to admit when I am wrong, and I take full responsibility when I screw up, especially when I hurt someone I care about. I apologize, and try to right the wrong the best way I know how. I really try to do all I can do, so I don't look back and think, "I wish I could've done more."
That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes look back and say "I wish I could've handled this or that differently, but we are all humans, and we all make mistakes. Who would I be to judge someone or to treat them badly when they screw up, because I screw up all the time. "Who am I to cast the 1st stone?"
As I sat in church this last Sunday, a lesson was being taught on forgiveness. This past week I had to ask for forgiveness from someone that I love. It was then up to them to forgive me or not, but I couldn't let that affect what I did. I knew I was in the wrong, I admitted I was in the wrong, and I said sorry. I then knew that I needed to ask my Father in Heaven to forgive me. Sitting in sunday school listening to this lesson I was getting down on myself thinking that I was such a terrible person because I had wronged someone. Then a part in the lesson said that "When you have done all you can do, you need to turn your broken heart and contrite spirit over to God and let him deal with it." It hit me that even though I had asked for forgiveness and had been forgiven by my Heavenly Father, I was not allowing him to forgive me because I was holding on to those horrible feelings and thoughts I was having about myself. I was thinking I'm a horrible person, when in reality I'm a great person. Even great people are allowed to make mistakes. Even great people are allowed to make HUGE mistakes.
I then realized that I was holding resentment towards the person I had wronged, and that was wrong of me. I got on my knees when I got home from church and asked my Father in Heaven to remove this burden from me, and also to forgive me for having ill feelings towards that person. They are allowed to handle the situation anyway they choose, and they get to work through it as they chose, but it is my responsibility to forgive all. I had to let these hard feelings go to move on. As I got off my knees I instantly felt better. I knew I had done everything I could do, and the last step I needed to take was to forgive myself for the feelings I was having; and I did that. It was a great feeling.
This one act of mistrust, this one slip of a weak moment, and this instance where I fell for temptation had been cleaned away from me, and it was time for me to move on. It meant moving on without a friend, but that is the way it had to be. That was their decision and what they needed to do for them, and I respect that 100%.
It's amazing to me how much my Father in Heaven loves me. I'm so grateful that he loves me enough to forget my shortcomings and love me in spite of the wrongs I commit. I'm truly grateful for this experience. It made me realize that temptation is real, and that no one can escape it. It's beautiful though, that we are able to be forgiven and forgive ourselves in times like this though.
I have the greatest family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I'm so blessed to have the people in my life that I have and I'm truly amazed by the love they have for me. It's pure unconditional love. They love me even when I make mistakes, and they forgive me and move on. I will always be grateful for the people in my life, and for the experiences they give me.
You should be grateful for every single person that passes through your life no matter how long of a time period they are there for, because they are placed there to teach you valuable lessons. Lessons about yourself, about them, about the world around us, about our morals, and beliefs. I'm grateful for all the people who have come in and out of my life because they have shaped the woman I am today, and I love the woman I am today. I wouldn't change a thing about me; even the bad things. It just means that I have more to work on while on this earth.
Thank you again to all of those who love me unconditionally and teach me so many valuable things in this trip called life. I'm glad you're here with me, along for the ride. And Thank You to each of you, for allowing me to be in your life and a part of your trip.
Love,
Jilly
