May 18, 2013

Not Happy Just Real and Raw

I need to preface this little post.  I have an amazing life. I have amazing family, friends, loved ones, and doctor's.  I am beyond blessed.  There is not a week that goes by that I don't receive an email from someone who knows me (or feels like they do) from Oprah, my Blog, places I have spoken at, and/or magazines/TV.  Thank you to each one of you who tell me how I have touched your life and made it easier for you to get through a tough time.  I try to respond to all my emails, but if I ever can't please know that your kindness touches my heart, warms my soul, and makes me so grateful to be alive.  The truth is, whatever you may get out of my writings is coming through God and not me.  He lets the things I say touch you, not me. There also isn't a day when I don't get on my knees and thank him for giving me a second chance, because I know I shouldn't be here. That being said, here we go....

I'm in Washington on Vacation and having a great time with family and friends.  This last week was a bugger though.  I ended up in the Hospital out here and was there for 3 days.  I wasn't able to keep anything down, and was nauseated 24/7.  Now I know those of you whom read this blog know that nausea is just a part of my day to day, you also know that these "health" issues are part of my day to day as well, but gosh dammit, I get so sick of them!!!  I just want to eat what I want and not have to worry if I have a carbonated drink in my hand to help it go down.  I don't want to have to carry "Throw-Up Bags" in my car at all times, and I hate having to stop 12 times on a trip to WA to pull over so I can throw up on the side of the road.  ARGH!!  It's so frustrating.  

I want to wake up, get out of my bed, stand up and stretch, and not instantly fall back to my butt because I'm so dizzy.  I would like to be able to eat enough food in my life so I'm not dizzy non-stop, so I don't constantly have to deal with vitamin shots, or get IV injections of iron.  I would like my leg, arm, and eye, to stop twitching 24/7 since December because I'm so deficient in vitamins; NO matter how many I shove down my throat.  I would like a doctor to run blood tests and find out what in the hell is going on inside this body of mine.  I would like to simply wake up, have energy, eat like a normal person, and have 1 normal day.  

Now when I say normal, I'm not saying I want to hike to the highest peak of the highest mountain in Utah; I just want to wake up, be able to do my dishes, clean my house, and get my laundry done, without having to take 10 breaks in between.  I would love to not get winded when walking up the stairs (I thought that would only happen when I was 300lbs! NOT NOW) and have to stop half way to grab the wall and breathe.  I would like to be able to do Yoga, Boxing, Running, all the things I used to be able to do before 2009 came along.  I would like parts of my life back.  I just want to be a normal woman with normal challenges.  I mean I have the money probs, the school probs, the 800 things to get done in a day probs, now all I want is that my health issues give me a break for even just a year.  JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

On most days I can suck this up an go about my day and not think about it and just be, but this week sent me over the edge. I'm so done with hospitals, and surgeries, I could vomit (literally!) I'm so mad I could punch a hole in the wall (except I'm to weak too. Don't feel sorry about that one.)

Okay, thank you for letting me vent.  I just needed to get out some frustrations and now I can go back to doing it with a smile on my face, well tomorrow anyway. Have a great weekend y'all!!

2 comments:

My Life said...

I often feel like Damn it!! I finally have what I have always wanted, an amazing husband but just as we got married (just like you)I lost a 'healthy body'. Almost like God saying "Yes, here you are. You can have the husband you have always wanted, the love you've always dreamed of BUT you'll have to sacrifice your healthy and 'normal' life. Sometimes hearing ...."God loves you, he never gives you a trial you are not strong enough for" is difficult to believe. I don't know your personal struggle, what you or Dave go through each day but I do know what is struggle it is to live like that, everyday. It takes over your life and sometimes it is too much to carry.

You are a very positive person and you have a beautiful heart. You do a great job of getting on with life, as best you can, considering the anguish you go through everyday but I know you must have days where it all feels too much, it's only human. I yearn for the little things, just like you. To be able to just get out of bed in the morning and it not take at least 10 minutes while I cry in pain. I want to take a shower every day but can't because I can barely move. Sometimes, I have good days and I appreciate that, so much. All the little things I get the chance to do.

I'm sorry you've had a tough week!! You're awesome, stay strong! I pray for you, and think of you, often! Hopefully the rest of your trip is less eventful and crappy.

<3 <3

Jilly Bean Jewelry said...

Dear "My Life"
Thank you for your sweet comment. I'm glad my writings have helped you in some way through your daily battle. Good luck to you in your trials, and thanks for blessing me in mine. I wish you all the best, as I know anyone who knows you would.
Sincerely,
Jilly