Tonight I had to run a few errands and one of those included a trip to the Pharmacy. As I'm walking through the aisles, I walk past some pregnancy tests, which I pick up, look at, and place in my cart. I don't know why I'm buying them, but for the simple fact that I had a random menstral cycle back in May, for the 1st time in years and I haven't had one since, so I thought what the heck? Now I know as soon as I put these in my cart that I'm going to use them and they are going to give me a big negative, but for some reason I decide to put myself through this pain anyway.
As I'm checking out the guy grabs my box and says, "So are you hoping for, or hoping not?" It took my by surprise but I said, "I'm hoping for." He then goes on to tell me that his girlfriend just took one and they didn't want another child because they just had one, but that the pregnancy test told her that she was pregnant. "So I guess I'm going to be a dad again." I looked at him and smiled although in my head I was screaming. I was holding back tears with all my might, and I was cursing God at the top of my lungs but no one could hear it. I managed to say, "Well I don't have any so this would be my 1st." He ends the conversation by saying, "Congratulations." I grabbed my package and I couldn't help it, a tear fell from my eye. I left by saying, "Thank you."
As I drove home I cried the entire way. I got home and sat in the driveway with my package just crying. I couldn't get out of my car. Then I started to question God. "Why God? Why can't I have children, when I actually want them?" "Why won't you allow me to have the joy that a child would bring? Am I not a good parent? Would I not raise a child the way you want?" "I know it can't be Dave because he's perfect, so it must be me that you're mad at. So what did I do? What did I do that was so wrong that you won't allow me to be a mother?!" Tears are streaming down my face, and I'm shaking a little bit. This isn't fair.
I get out of the car and walk to the backyard where my clothes are drying and let the wind blow my hair. I pulled out my phone to distract me, and started looking at instagram. (Wrong thing to do when you're sad about being infertile.) As I scrolled through the pictures of kids and the parents, parents taking adoring pictures of their kids, and of a brand new baby that had just been born that day, I started to cry all over again. My tears were hot against my burning cheeks because I was so furious. All over again that anger rushed through my body and I wanted to punch something so bad, but I had to control myself. I went in my laundry room and started cleaning. It was the only thing I could think to do.
As I walked back to my living room, I stood there with my pharmacy bag, and looked at my husband sleeping on our bed. My heart was filled with the warmest feeling of love that I wasn't prepared for. Even though I don't know God's plan, in that moment I knew he loved me. And because he loved me, everything was going to be okay. As I went and shut the door to my bedroom, I looked at my sleeping Dave and smiled. Oh, how I love that man more than he knows. How I wish I could give him the children I know he wants.
As I went and took the pregnancy tests and they came back negative, my heart didn't really fall. It wasn't anything that I wasn't expecting. I knew it wouldn't read the way I wanted. I knew it was a waste of money right from the start, but at least I had an intense feeling of love from my Father in Heaven. If I couldn't be thankful for anything else in that moment, I can be thankful that he loves me. He loves me even after I spent the last 30 minutes cursing him.
Infertility is hard, and it's a daily battle. It crushes me to see people have children that they don't really want when I want a child more than life itself. It's hard to see single mother's have children, when Dave and I are so ready to have that moment. I wish so badly that I could change how things are, and make it right, but it's not in my control. I can't control God's plan. Only he is in charge of that, and I just have to make peace with that. It doesn't change how hard infertility is though. Because it is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.