Dec 24, 2013

Christmas Grinch

This Christmas has been a lot harder than most. I normally get into the Christmas spirit, get my tree up, get the stockings hung, and have lights out on the house. Not this year. I asked Dave after Thanksgiving if he cared if I didn't put up the tree this year. I have been so exhausted and haven't felt great this year, and the thought of decorating for Christmas was overwhelming. He said that would be okay, but that I would probably regret it. In my head I just figured that the only reason you decorate is because you have kids right? I also send out Christmas cards every year. When the company screwed up on my card and I didn't get them to send out, I felt like Christmas was pointless. Why even try?! Nothing is going right, and I don't have anyone I really have to do Christmas for. You could call me the Christmas Grinch this year. Then something happened to change my mind. 

As I got all my presents for friends done, and delivered, I was feeling sad and a little depressed. I have never felt this way around Christmas. As I tried to figure out what was causing my sadness I realized what it was. I don't have any kids that I get to spoil. I was throwing somewhat of an adult fit because I don't have any children. I was so down and depressed, when I got a text from a family member telling me that they were pregnant. I felt like my heart stopped. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I stopped functioning at that moment. Dave and I were watching TV and I couldn't tell you what the last part of the show was about. All I could think of is that God wants to rub it in my face yet again that I can't have children. Twist the knife in my heart a little deeper. I was done.

The next couple of weeks, everywhere I went I only saw the pregnant women. I saw women buying pregnancy tests, girls picking up jewelry were pregnant, I saw babies everywhere. Was I going insane, or was everyone in the world pregnant?!  I was so mad I can't explain. I was making jewelry to clear my head (something that I do often. I sit at my desk and hammer the crap out of jewelry) one evening when I got the feeling that I needed to call this family member. Up to this point I hadn't responded. I hadn't congratulated them, I had even acknowledged that I got the text. At that moment I realized how selfish I was. This wasn't about me. This was about a beautiful baby that is going to enter my family, and I should be thrilled. I should be so thankful for this precious new life. I picked up the phone and called. That phone call changed my Christmas.

As I sat on the phone and talked to this family member for 2 hours, I cried, I was honest, I told them exactly how hard this was for me but how happy I was for them. I shared in their excitement, I expressed my joy at getting to be an aunt again, and I let them know how much I loved them. More than anything, I let go of myself, and cared for someone else. I put someone else before me. That was something I hadn't been doing thus far this Holiday season.

This past week has been a whirlwind.  Even though I didn't get the tree up, my spirits were lifted by talking to this family member. I realized what an amazing thing life is. I realized just how special my Savior's life is to me. This is the time of year we celebrate Christ's birth. His coming into the world to save the soul of men. What an amazing thing. Because this family told me they were pregnant I was able to focus on others. I was able to focus on the birth of my Savior, and all he's done for me.

As I get ready for Christmas tomorrow, I sit here next to my husband. No we don't have kids, no I don't have presents under a tree, I don't have elf on a shelf, I don't have last minute Christmas shopping to do, and I don't have a baby girl or boy wrapped in my arms. But I have the arms of my Savior wrapped around me. I have his strength, his love, his guidance, and his friendship. He's blessed me with the greatest thing nothing can buy; the love of my husband. He's given me my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life, the pure joy in my heart, and the reason I wake up every day. He's given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, the gift of everlasting love. Something that he freely gave to all.

Although I don't have a tree up, and Dave and I aren't wrapping gifts for little ones right now, I can find comfort in the love that my husband as for me. I can find peace in knowing that God is in control of my life, and as long as I follow him everything will work out as it should. It doesn't always work out like I want it to, but it always works out the way it needs to.

I hope each of you have a Merry Christmas, a wonderful Holiday, and a very Happy New Year. I hope as you spend time with family, friends, or by yourself, that you know that you are loved. That you have peace in your heart that your Savior loves you.  He died for you.  He came to this earth so many years ago, to live a life of serving so that we could have all that we do. Take time this Holiday season to thank him for the gifts that we have. Find peace in your life, and love in your heart, and have a very Merry Christmas.

Love,
Jilly

1 comment:

Gina said...

I felt the same way this year. 2013 was a mess for me. Divorce, female issues & 10 years since I lost my dad. I also had to make a hard decision on Dec. 11th to put my cat down. He was my loyal companion of 16 years & it's been difficult to get into the holiday spirit. I don't have kids & it's just me. Yet, my mom instilled the Christmas spirit in me I decorated the house & put up a tree for me to enjoy! I believe in that spirit & it even rubbed off on my new boyfriend! I started out as that same Grinch, but things have a way of working themselves out.
Hugs to you for being open in your blog & you allowed me the opportunity to let you know that you're not alone in that inner struggle. Merry Christmas!