This weekend was great, but also very tough. Every 6 months my church holds a conference where our leaders speak to us in 5 sessions for 2 days. I'm always excited about this conference, but I'm also hate them at the same time. They always bring so much happiness and sadness. Without fail they always speak about the most important thing in my life, and the thing that I will never be able to do. Have children.
I was in the car driving when a lady got up to speak. I was listening to her on the radio and she started talking about how women are the most amazing creatures that God ever created, for they are "prized above all else because they bring life into this world." Instantly my heart sunk and I gulped out loud. My eyes started to fill with tears, and I soon had to blink just so I could still see while driving. I missed the rest of her talk, because I was too busy screaming at God. (Trust me he's used to this. He knows me and I get in heated arguments with him quite frequently.) I'm sure the people driving by me thought I was crazy because I was crying my eyes out and talking to myself. lol I hope I gave them a good laugh.
As I sat there in my car screaming at God and how horrible I think he is for sending me here and giving me the most amazing husband on the planet, and blessing me with a love for children that very few possess, and then not allowing me to bring my own child into this world. How cruel and unjust can you be?! Aren't you supposed to be a God of love? Well then how can you send children to mother's who don't want them or father's who abuse them, or drug addicts for parents; yet you won't send me a child that would be loved beyond compare! I don't understand you, and quite frankly I don't want. I want you to beg for my forgiveness and give me a child!!!
As the tears streamed down my face I was suddenly filled with the most incredible love. My heart was calmed and at peace, and I knew my Heavenly Father was letting me know that he loved me. That he heard my cries, and screams, and that he understood. Even though it didn't "fix" me, it fixed my heart at that moment. I realized that he has a plan for everyone, and I have to let things go that I can't control. This is not in my control, and I have to have faith that he will work it out. No matter how frustrating it is, or how badly it hurts my heart, I have to turn this hurt, and this pain, over to my Father in Heaven. Only he and my Savior know what I am going through, so I must ask for their love and support.
Even though I felt his love, it didn't make everything okay and I don't think he was trying to make it all better. I think he just wanted me to know that I wasn't alone. That in my darkest times he is there for me. I just don't understand how he would spare my life and give me the opportunity to continue living and then not allow me to have children. It crushes my soul, and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it.
I know how much it breaks my heart, and I can't imagine how it hurts my husband. The entire time we were dating we talked about the children we would have and what amazing parents would be. How much we would love them and how we would raise them, only to find out that he is never going to get the opportunity to be a father. He holds it together for me, but I see the pain in his eyes when he see's babies, or when he plays with his niece's and nephews. How could God have done this to my husband? I can't help but blame myself. I feel so terrible about it, even though I know that Dave would have married me even if he knew we couldn't have kids. He loves me for me and he married me because he loved me, not because I could or could not be a mother.
I know whatever is supposed to happen will happen and I know I have to have faith in God and leave it up to him, but that doesn't change the hurt and the pain. It doesn't change the tears that come every single month on cue. It doesn't change the horrible feelings I have toward myself all the time. And it doesn't change how guilty I feel whenever I look at my sweet husband.
I'm sorry this isn't a very happy and uplifting post, but this is what I am struggling with right now. This is very real in my life, and a situation that I deal with daily. Please be grateful for the children you have and love them like today was their last day on earth. You don't know how truly blessed you are to be a mother or father. And to those of you who understand how I feel, know that you are loved and that some little blonde spaztic girl in Utah understands your pain, and I pray for you. Hopefully one day we will all find peace.