I went in for my monthly doctor's appointment today, and had an amazing conversation with my doctor (yes, I said monthly). When I go in it's normally a really quick visit, I get my prescriptions and I'm done. My doc and I have a great relationship, but I know he's busy and he can't sit and chat forever. Today was very different. Today I talked to someone who finally understands.
I've known for awhile that my doctor and his wife have had infertility issues. I know that they've adopted all of their children, and I also know that it still breaks his wife's heart that she can't give him a biological child. We don't really ever talk about it though. That is until today.
As I sat across from my doctor and we talked about how my health was, he stopped and said, "I watched your Oprah episode, and I've never asked you what the cause of your infertility is. Would you share that with me?" I was kind of taken aback, but of course I had no problem talking to him and letting him know.
As we talked about what the cause is of my infertility and why it is that I can't give my husband a child, the conversation started to get really real. He said, "Jill, you're going to have those moments when someone comes up to you in church and says something like "So when are you and Dave having kids?" and you're going to want to punch them. It's okay to feel this way." When he said that tears started to fall from my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was talking to someone else that truly "Get's It."
I asked him if he ever had those moments when everyone in your family seems to be having kids? He told me that it infuriated him every time he heard that one of his brother's wives was expecting a child. It was even worse when it was an "accident." He and his wife try and try, and nothing happens, but you "accidentally" get pregnant?! How fair is that?!
I told him how I've been really mad at God lately. Now you have to understand that my Heavenly Father and I have an amazing relationship. I tell him exactly how I'm feeling all the time, and right now he's on my sh*t list. (That was supposed to be funny so I hope y'all laugh). He knows when I hurt, when I'm mad at him, and when I think it's completely unfair that I can't have my babies.
I told my doctor how badly it hurts when people say, "Oh well you'll be a mom one day" or "There's lots of ways to have a family." I know they mean well but I just want to scream at them. I love, "You can have one of mine." Really?! Can I? The best is, "There's so many children out there that need good homes. You'll find one to love." Like it's going to the grocery store and picking out a can of soup.
He understood how hard it is to go to Baby Showers and put on a happy face for everyone, when inside you're dying. He understands why I just send gifts sometimes. He understood why I break down and cry when I get another phone call that one of my sister's is pregnant. He understood why it's hard for me to hold babies. He understood why I cry. He understood why every month I wait for my cycle, and I cry every time it doesn't show up. Even though it's been 5 years, I keep waiting for my body to become normal again.
He understood why I get up and leave church all the time, because people are talking about eternal families, and how God's plan is for women to come and have babies. Well apparently God didn't have that plan for me. But mostly he understood why I hurt. Why I have pain. He just plain and simple understood; where most people can't.
It's so rare to feel "Safe." It's so rare to be able to be somewhere and not have to constantly be reminded that I'm not a mother. It's normal for me to go to my parents house and only be able to stay for a few hours with my nieces and nephews because the pain becomes unbearable. It's a daily thing that I drive in my car, and cry as I scream at God for not allowing me to be a mother. I don't care if he has other plans for me. I don't care if he knows the big picture. I know what I want, and what I feel like I need, and I want it now. But it's never going to happen. I'm never going to get pregnant, or give birth to my own child. The hard part is fully accepting that fact.
I know my Father in Heaven loves me. I know I am his child. I know he understands my hurt, and my pain, and I know he comforts me. Even though it hurts, I can feel his comfort and love. I'm special to him. He knows me so well, and loves me. He loves me even when I don't want to love him. He loves me regardless of everything else in this world. He just simply loves me for me.
I hope everyone in my life can understand why I am the way I am. I hope each of you can understand why I don't show up to baby showers at times, and why it takes me a week or 2 to call and congratulate you on being pregnant. I hope you can understand that I truly am happy for you, but I hurt anyway. I don't expect people to coddle me or tippy toe around me. I just want you to understand that my pain is real, and it has nothing to do with you. Not only does it have nothing to do with you, but you can't fix it. Nothing you say will make it better or make it okay. It just is what it is, and that's okay too.
I know I would make a great mother one day. Thank you for telling me that, but please don't anymore. I know that "I can have a baby someday" but I want them now, so please don't try to comfort me. I appreciate your love, concern, and compassion, but just let it be. I am going to feel this pain, and even though it sucks, it's something I have to go through, so just let me feel it. Just let me go through the motions, and in a few days I'll be okay again.
Talking to my doctor was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. God knew that. I believe that God told him to ask that question, because we normally we don't ever chat like that. It was the best 45 minute conversation that I've had in a long time. I'm so thankful for the love God has for me, and that he allowed my doctor to comfort me today. Even though I still feel pain, I can also feel of his love. I also feel of each of your love. I appreciate it. I love you so much, and you're each a blessing in my life. Thank you for loving me.