May 31, 2014

Truly Touched

As I sat here tonight talking to my sweet husband, I got onto check my email. I normally do it every night before I go to bed to check for people asking me about my jewelry. When I logged on I saw an email from a name I didn't know. I expected it to be a question about a necklace. How very wrong I was.

I've really been struggling since Mother's Day, and been feeling really bitter.  I've been really mad at God recently, and have been praying for someone to talk to who would just understand. Not someone who has kids and tells me that "they get it" but someone that has been through it. Who has "fought the good fight".  Who knows what it's like to cry every month, and take multiple pregnancy tests in a year all to have them be negative.  Someone who understands that adopting isn't like picking out your favorite soda pop.  Just anyone who can relate to me, and kind of have some empathy.

I want you to know how amazing each of you are, and how touching all of your comments are.  Your love, kindness, and concern is so very special to me.  Please don't feel like I am not grateful for all your love.  That's not what I'm saying at all.  What I'm saying is that I needed a shoulder to cry on.  Someone who could put their arms around me (even through a computer screen) and say "I Get It! This sucks, and I'm sorry. I can't make it better, but I can lend an ear. I can lend an understanding, empathetic ear."  It's all I've been praying for.  Tonight I got that.

As I started reading this email from a woman I've never met, I was moved to tears. Her story touched my heart so much I can't express.  As I read each word to Dave, I had to stop multiple times to hold back tears.  I couldn't believe that someone who understands was taking the time to write me such a beautiful letter.  

As she started she said, "I don't know why I'm writing you, but I feel like I kind of understand you."  WOW! She just said she could relate to me.  Not only that, but as I read I realized that she truly could relate to me.  Her story was so much harder than the path I have walked.  It not only comforted my heart, but it humbled me. (How lame is that to say you're humble? Doesn't that defeat the purpose??)  

I realized tonight that I've been so ridiculous only focusing on myself. How selfish and self centered.  I've been stuck in my bubble, pushing everyone away because "no one knows how hard this is."  Instead of accepting love and kindness I've been turning my back on it.  When my Father in heaven has been sending me love, like I've been asking for; I basically told him that I didn't want it.  Well he threw it in my face tonight, as he has to do to me quite often.

My life is difficult for me.  I always tell people when I do my public speaking, that what you're going through is not as hard as what others go through. It's hard for you though, and that's what matters.  Well I realized tonight that learning that others have it a bit harder can bring you to your knees thanking God for what you go through.  It's true isn't it?  The old saying that if given the opportunity to take someone's trials other than your own, you'd gladly take yours every time.  I realized how true that was tonight.

As this beautiful woman told me about her trial of being single for a long period of her life, and then finally getting married and having to go through infertility trials to finally get her child, I was touched.  She gets me.  Then she explained how she understands how hard it is to not have a bunch of kids in my culture.  I started to cry.  She expressed how she also didn't go to church on Mother's Day.  Oh my goodness, I'm not alone.  Thank you God for your unconditional love.  How ungrateful I've been.  Thank you for this amazing woman who wrote me "not knowing why?"

The most beautiful thing about this email was her honesty, kindness, concern, tenderness, and love.  She's never met me, she has no idea who I am except through a computer screen, yet she sent me her love.  She didn't try to tell me what I should do, or how to get over what I was going through.  She simply said that she understands and that she's here for me if I need to talk.  I don't know how you ladies that read my blog are so unconditionally kind and loving to me, but I'm so thankful.  How blessed I am to have each of you in my life.  I couldn't ask to be any luckier.

Tonight as I write this sweet woman back, I hope she understands how much her email meant to me.  How much her empathy, kindness, and love touched my heart.  She has no idea, but she was an answer to my prayers.  Tonight God told me he loved me in the form of an email.  He sent me a hug through the computer.  He wrapped his arms around me through another woman.  How gracious, glorious, and loving is our Father in heaven. I'm so thankful that he continues to love me even with all my faults, the mistakes I make, the times I scream and yell at him, and all those little cuss words I say throughout the week (yes I have a mouth like a sailor.) 

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! to each of you for your love and kindness, but especially thank you to the beautiful soul that felt the need to email me tonight. You truly brightened my day, my week, my month, and my year!

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