I woke up today in kind of a funk. I knew what it was instantly, because it's an all too common feeling. As I was thinking about the Oprah episode that is going to air this evening, I realized that this pain I was feeling was going to be told to everyone out in TV land. I don't know if that helps or makes it worse. I just know that today I hate my body. Today I'm mad at God. Today I'm brokenhearted because I can't be a mom.
I sat in my studio making jewelry yesterday and as I made a particular piece for a mother, I was brought to tears. I'm so honored to be able to make custom jewelry for women, to show off their family and the things they hold most dear. At the same time, every time I make a custom piece, a little bit of my heart breaks. What I wouldn't give to be able to make my own necklace with my children's names. I would love to show off my babies around my neck.
I got an order yesterday evening for a baby girl turning 3. What a fun age she is in. I love it when I get to make pieces for little girls. Her momma wanted something simple to show off her name, and to be dainty, yet beautiful. I was honored to make this piece.
As I thought about this little girl wearing her necklace, I thought about what it would be like to put a necklace on my own baby girl. To give her a gift for her Birthday to show her how much I love her. What a beautiful moment this mother is going to have. These are things that I dream about. These are the things that make me smile. These are the things that break my heart.
I know there are so many big issues in today's world. I know that me not being able to have children is so small in the big scheme of things. Today it's a big deal for me though. Today my eyes are wet from tears I have cried because I want to hold a baby in my arms. Today my arms feel empty because I want a little child to hug me and call me mom. Today I just feel empty.
I have the most amazing husband who comforts me through all my trials. I have many health issues, I can't work, I hurt a lot, I'm weak a lot of the time, and even though everyone tells me how positive I am all the time; Dave gets to see my bad days. He is there to hold me and tell me it will all be all right. He's there to let me know that it's okay to have bad days. He's there to comfort me when the pain is unbearable. He can help with all the physical pain.
The pain of not being able to bear children is a pain that no one can help. No one can hug it away, or tell me it will be all better. No one can understand unless they've gone through it, and no one knows the hole in your heart that you just can't fill. It's almost a hopeless pain. It's the worst pain I've ever felt, and I feel so empty and alone.
On days like this I find comfort from God. I know he listens, and even though he can't make it better, knowing that my Savior understands it all, brings me peace. To know that they understand exactly the pain I feel, the pain that no one can understand; helps me cope. I still have bad days like today. I still cry, and feel sorry for myself, but at least I know I have someone to talk to. I have a Father that loves me and will hear my prayer. I have a Savior that will bring me peace. I will be okay.