Jan 15, 2015

I hate Babies


Let's get really, real for a moment. I'm really hating babies at this moment in my life. We're actually going to work through my thoughts together because I'm dying inside.

I log onto Facebook today and 10 of the first 13 posts that come up are all on pregnant moms either finding out where they're having, blogging about what they're having, posting pics of the beautiful bumps, revealing the gender and on and on.  Argh!  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I know I come across as I have it all together, but I don't.  Last week when a radio station tore me apart for 2 days and had help from a woman who claimed to know me so well, I ended up in tears.  I'm not a rough and tough girl. I'm actually very loving, kind, and emotional.  

I love that my friends are all pregnant and having kids they've wanted their entire lives, but at the same time, I'm furious.  I don't want to see your bump. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy for you.  I don't want to read your blogs.  I don't want to watch your gender reveal on TV, and you know what?!  I know this is all my own issue and there's nothing you can do about it.  I'm allowed to be mad, but it's not at you.  I'm thrilled for you.

I know many would tell me that I have so much going on in my life, and I have so much to be grateful for, which I do, but the one thing I would trade my show for is to have a little baby enter my family. I would give up everything to have a little boy or girl for Dave and I to call our own.  I would give it all away.

Please don't tell me you're sorry, because I want you to be excited about where you are.  I just needed to let it out that it sucks.  It hurts.  It crushes me at times.  Right now I'll stay off Facebook for a while and Instagram until I can get through this hard part that I've had many times before.  It will pass. It won't feel like this forever.  I'll be okay.

11 comments:

Jenny F said...

And it's OK. You're fully allowed to your feelings and don't let anyone say you're not! I can't understand exactly what you're feeling right now but I do understand what it's like to not have your feelings validated.

I'll miss you on FB and IG but I understand. Take care!

Love,
Jenny

Cricky said...

AMEN!

Jen and her men said...

I remember feeling the exact same way last year when I lost my baby. Not that I can even relate to the hardships you endure but I understand knowing that I cannot see one more baby picture on instagram. I just had to be done for awhile. I love you and am grateful for you in my life. You are an amazing, beautiful person!!

Katelyn Krum Shaw said...

I deleted all of my friends that were pregnant from my social media. I couldn't handle seeing their joy while I was in pain.

Brad's Awesome Web Page said...

It gets better one you adopt or have a child come your way!!! I know how you feel and understand where you are coming from I just want to punch someone in the face!!! But it does get better once a little one is in your life!!!

FIST FIGHTING said...

My wife and I have been trying to have kids now for 7 years. Social media is the devil!

Jeremy Barnes said...

We've been trying for 14 years.
Lots of ups and downs. My wife, Tori, had a rough time in the first years because we watched or friends and family have children.
Now that those friend's children are getting into the teenage years is been harder for me. Watching those with sons enter scouts and priesthood ordination (LDS faith) is something I'm jealous of.
Tori now gets down on herself because she feels she has let me down.
It's a difficult thing, but it has brought us close together.

Lori Allred said...

You are awesome! It sucks!! Some days are hard and some better. Know that you have many rooting for you, praying for you.

Laura Cognetti said...

I remember feeling the same way after my miscarriage and then year of infertility treatments. Hang in there :)

niki lange said...

I felt the same exact way last year when I was going through a miscarriage. I had to walk around for three weeks bleeding and knowing at any given moment a dead baby was going to fall out of my body. My coworkers turned against me because of how my hell made them feel and I got to listen to my supervisor talk about her pregnancy non stop. Classy. I changed jobs and re evaluated my goals, but mostly became stronger. I still feel sadness when I see baby bumps so I'm so glad you shared this. No one knows what a lonely feeling this is unless they've experienced it and it's still different for everyone. To all of you who have problems getting pregnant or have lost one, you feel however the hell you want to! You get to do that and no one gets to tell you how you should be.

niki lange said...

I felt the same exact way last year when I was going through a miscarriage. I had to walk around for three weeks bleeding and knowing at any given moment a dead baby was going to fall out of my body. My coworkers turned against me because of how my hell made them feel and I got to listen to my supervisor talk about her pregnancy non stop. Classy. I changed jobs and re evaluated my goals, but mostly became stronger. I still feel sadness when I see baby bumps so I'm so glad you shared this. No one knows what a lonely feeling this is unless they've experienced it and it's still different for everyone. To all of you who have problems getting pregnant or have lost one, you feel however the hell you want to! You get to do that and no one gets to tell you how you should be.