This is a post that I have held off writing for over a year. When June 2015 hit I knew it was getting to that time when it needed to be posted. I can't suffer in silence anymore, when I feel like I'm dying inside. This will probably be the most raw and real I've ever been on this blog, so hang in there. You might have a bleep a few curse words out by the end. Fair warning, right?
In May of 2014 I got a huge surprise. My cycle had started after stopping for more than 4 years. The doctor's told me that my body had gone into early menopause, and then my body said, "Gotcha!" Of course Dave and I were thrilled so we tried to get pregnant right away. It blew my mind when it actually happened. That's right everyone. In June 2014 I was pregnant. I was also pregnant in August 2014, October 2014, December 2014, February 2015, April 2015, May 2015, and July 2015. You read all that right. I have been pregnant 7 times, and I've had 7 miscarriages. For those of you that have never had a miscarriage, I'm not sure I'll do it justice by putting it into words, but I'm going to try.
Over the past few weeks as I've thought about this subject, I thought about the term 'Miscarraige' it's as taboo as speaking about mental illness in my part of the world, yet 1 in every 4 women will have one. I noticed as women would open up to me about their struggle, I was feeling more comforted and loved. I realized that if they did this for me, than that's exactly what I had to do for someone else. Thus, this post is being written.
The 1st time I lost my baby, I was strangely calm, and at peace. The fact that I could get pregnant at all blew my mind and gave me a HUGE amount of hope. A month before remember, this wasn't an option. I figured the first time was a fluke, but now that my body knows what to expect it'd be fine.
Pregnancy 2 was a little tougher on me physically. I was really struggling. On my 9th week I thought I was home free and I would get this little guy here FINALLY! Then, 4am comes along, and I have a miscarriage. Dave was out of town, so I drove myself to the hospital and sat there by myself as they cleaned me up, and cleaned my baby out. That caused me to sink in a depression unlike any I've ever known. Nothing helped. I found comfort and peace in nothing. I was finding myself hating every pregnant person I saw, every baby that cried, and every baby shower I got invited to. I can't tell you the hell that you're in when you're torturing yourself within your own mind.
I noticed after each pregnancy, and each loss, that I had one day where I was fine. Not fine; I was numb. This was one instance where I welcomed the nothingness. Then the next day would wake up and that crushing pain in my stomach reminding me that there's no longer a child inside me would hit. It took everything I had to get out of my bed just for the bathroom on those days. That's a hurt I can't describe in words. All I can say is that it's the closest thing I've ever known to hell on earth. I never imagined I'd go through it 5 more times.
You would think as each miscarriage happened that I'd give it a rest or take a breather, but I had the baby crave. Once you've had a human life growing inside you, you want it all the more. Every miscarriage I'd go through the same process, and then suck it up and tell myself I could do it all over again.
After a year I went to the doctor and told him what was going on. They put me on fertility drugs. Pardon my french but they are the shittiest drugs on the planet! They make you feel like you're pregnant x 10, yet you're body is just getting itself ready. The best part is when those fertility drugs don't take month, after month, and you feel like you're gaining weight and going through hell for something that will never happen.
Finally after 7 miscarriages, I had to take a break. I had to breathe. I had to refocus and realize that Jill is amazing. Jill as a functioning adult woman kicks ass. Would she make an amazing mother? She WILL make an amazing Mother, someday.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm still at that point where babies send me over the edge, where pregnant mama's make me cry, and where at least once a day I have a pity party for myself. As long as I can keep all the crazy thoughts aside (like God doesn't want to have a kid-I'm too crazy-You'll be a screaming maniac) I can focus on the day before me. I breathe in and breathe out and enjoy what I have right now (easier said than done).
I know some of you will tell me that I'm so young and I have all the time in the world. Time is not what I'm worried about. My psyche is what I'm betting on here, and it ain't lookin too good on my side of the dugout.
Through all of this, I'm grateful for the most amazing husband who always cheerfully says, "We'll just try again next month babe!" or, "I know it's hard love. We'll get our babies here. Don't you worry. You're too good a woman to not be a mom of your own." He's amazing. Dave is my strength, my saving grace, the love of my life, my best friend, and my true soulmate. I don't know what I'd do without that kid by my side. I'm blessed beyond words.
I'm also very grateful for the knowledge that God loves me. He's aware of me. He knows that I'm hurting. He counts my tears, and he holds me as I cry, I never get an explanation, but his comfort is as good as gold. The comfort, peace, and love, he sends me, sustains me. I know I can keep going. I will keep going.
To all of you amazing, beautiful, talented, women out there that have experienced something similar, don't ever be ashamed about it. Don't talk about it as if you did something wrong, because you didn't. You're perfect as you are and some time science just doesn't work in our favor. God is all powerful and in total control, but he doesn't tell the rock slide to happen and crush the couple walking, or the car accident while someone is texting, or your body not agreeing with a fetus and it rejects it. He's not punishing you even though it some times feels that way. He's there for you. He loves you. Ask, and he'll lift you in your time of need.
To all you other ladies still trying, don't give up hope. If I can keep going, I know you all can too! Even if I don't know you, you're in my prayers daily. My heart aches for you and wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. I'd tell you, "Keep going. Keep fighting. It won't feel like this forever. This time too shall pass. This is but a small moment in your journey, and if you endure it well, you'll come out on top!" I promise. I truly believe that. If you need an extra boost feel free to email me. xo