Jan 15, 2015

I hate Babies

Let's get really, real for a moment. I'm really hating babies at this moment in my life. We're actually going to work through my thoughts together because I'm dying inside.

I log onto Facebook today and 10 of the first 13 posts that come up are all on pregnant moms either finding out where they're having, blogging about what they're having, posting pics of the beautiful bumps, revealing the gender and on and on.  Argh!  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I know I come across as I have it all together, but I don't.  Last week when a radio station tore me apart for 2 days and had help from a woman who claimed to know me so well, I ended up in tears.  I'm not a rough and tough girl. I'm actually very loving, kind, and emotional.  

I love that my friends are all pregnant and having kids they've wanted their entire lives, but at the same time, I'm furious.  I don't want to see your bump. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy for you.  I don't want to read your blogs.  I don't want to watch your gender reveal on TV, and you know what?!  I know this is all my own issue and there's nothing you can do about it.  I'm allowed to be mad, but it's not at you.  I'm thrilled for you.

I know many would tell me that I have so much going on in my life, and I have so much to be grateful for, which I do, but the one thing I would trade my show for is to have a little baby enter my family. I would give up everything to have a little boy or girl for Dave and I to call our own.  I would give it all away.

Please don't tell me you're sorry, because I want you to be excited about where you are.  I just needed to let it out that it sucks.  It hurts.  It crushes me at times.  Right now I'll stay off Facebook for a while and Instagram until I can get through this hard part that I've had many times before.  It will pass. It won't feel like this forever.  I'll be okay.