Jul 23, 2016

Jilly's Bi-Polar Self

Yesterday was a fabulous day. I went out and about, saw friends, went out to eat, and ended the day by talking to one amazing lady. It's amazing to me that I can have a day like I did yesterday and wake up today, unable to get out of bed and tears streaming down my face. It's moments like this when I have to take a deep breath and remember that tomorrow will come, the sun will come up, and 95% of the time this darkness that is surrounding me today, will disappear, and I'll even out. Even knowing that though, there are still those days where sometimes I cry.

I know having a Bi-Polar 1 disorder is something that will never go away, and it will always determine a little bit of my life. That's not bad though because my Bi-Polar makes me who I am, and I'm very proud of that girl. I look back in life and realize all that I've overcome, all that I've learned about myself and my illness, and how I've taken back control of my life. It's an incredible feeling. It's the feeling that I try to hold onto when I'm surrounded by darkness. That's not always easy though.

I know that today is going to be a hard day. I'll cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason. Most things are going to make me sad. I'll turn off my phone, and shut out the world, and I'm okay with that. Days like this only come once a month, and I now know how to manage them. I know what dosage of what medications to take when it gets to be too much. I know how to refocus on the tears, and not let them overwhelm me, but accept that they're just going to come. I know what to do when the darkness becomes too much, and I have to reach for help from Dave. I know that if it goes into tomorrow, that that's too long, and so I take a pill that will make me crash for 24 hours, but it will restart my system. Most of the time though, I have learned to embrace the pain, and allow myself to hurt. I embrace the tears and know that they won't last forever, and this too shall pass. I have learned to accept this rapid cycling disease I live with, and know that tomorrow isn't too far away. I can make it. I'll get there.

We all have bad days. We all have moments that aren't our best. There's nothing wrong with that. It's okay to take a "me" day and do anything and everything you have to do to just make it through the day. Whether that's watching mind numbing TV all day, or listening to your Nirvana (my current choice) as you lay in bed and let the tears fall from your eyes, or if it's forcing yourself to take a walk out in the sunshine and feel the heat on your face to help remind you that you're alive, there's nothing wrong with any of this. We all need a day that's just for us regardless if we're happy or sad. The sooner we learn to accept that we need a day to become a better you, even a day to just survive, so that tomorrow you can try again, it's okay. Don't feel bad about it, regret it, or allow yourself to put yourself down because you need that. You're human. You have good days and bad, and the sooner you can embrace that fact, the better your life will be.

I used to try to fight the darkness. I still do when it gets too dark, but part of me has learned to embrace the dark. I have some of my most beautiful thoughts, talks with God, and journal entries, when I'm wrapped in darkness. What I've learned is that I just can't allow myself to stay in that darkness. I've had to learn how to escape it when it becomes too encompassing. When it becomes too overwhelming, I've learned how to ask for help. I've learned how to reach for the light, when that darkness is so strong I can't simply "pull myself out of it." It's been a learning process, but I'm there. I still have so much more to learn, but I feel so good about how far I've come.

Today is a "Jill" day. Today is all about me, and I'm going to choose to be selfish. I'm going to choose to stay in bed, and not step one foot outside my door today. I'm going to stay in my pajamas, have mascara stained cheeks because I'm not spending the energy to get up and wash my face, and I'm going to allow Dave to love me, cater to me, and make his day all about me, and it's all okay. 

I'll wake up tomorrow ready to try again. My rapid cycling will kick in and most likely by tonight this darkness will be gone, and I'll be back to being me, but for this moment in time, for this day and this day alone, it's all about me. I'm allowed to hurt. I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to be swallowed up in self pity, and pain. I'm allowed that because I know I won't allow it to last. For today though, it's going to be all about me, and that's okay.

The beauty about my Bi-Polar is that all of you can relate whether your emotions are dictated by an illness, or just life. All of you understand what it's like to have a bad day. Those bad days give us the capability of loving another when they are having a dark day. It makes us more empathetic, more loving, more kind, softer, more understanding, and more selfless. Embrace your bad days because you're allowing someone else to become a better person by loving you and helping you through it. We need each other. We need light and dark. We need strength and weakness. What would the world be like if we were all robots that just went through the motions? Life would be horrendous, dull, and awful. We need light and dark so we can be better human beings. It's what makes us different from every living creature in this world. It makes us human, and being human is a beautiful gift.

Today I'm sad. Today I'll cry. Today I'll leave the cell off, and lay in my bed (with the sun pouring in because I still need some light) and listen to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Pink Floyd (specifically "Shine on you Crazy Diamond"), and focus on my breath. I'll focus on the simple fact that I'm alive, and that's good enough for today. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be brighter. Tomorrow I'll be back, but today is a Jill day. Today is just about me. Today is a chance for me to become a better person, so that tomorrow I can love someone through their darkness. So, thank you for my dark days life. Thank you for pain. Thank you for allowing this day to hurt, so that I can become better. Thank you for my depression.

1 comment:

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It was really pleasant to read an optimistic introduction to your post. It made me feel good and better too. Bi-polar may be a life long struggle but it is surely manageable. I wish you all the very best and good luck :)