Well today is one of the many days I have to go through to try to get well. Last week I lost a total of 17.3 lbs. The doctors weighed me 1 week earlier and were absolutely blown away with what they saw when I was there the following Monday. I still have not been able to eat that much, but I did have a milestone this week. I have not had any solid foods since October 30th (crazy I know) but this week I was able to keep down a few bites of soup. This was amazing to me! I have lived on nothing but gatorade and water for 3 weeks, so to keep a few bites of soup down were incredible! It not only tasted delicious but I felt better then I had in weeks.Later on in the week I went and saw my Doctor. I still had not been cleaned out like he would have liked. I had taken 2 bottles of miralax and also 3 liters of Go Lightly. My body just doesn't want to seem to get well, so what I am putting in is not coming out. They can't really figure out what is going on. They know my colon is not working and they know it is full, thus the reason I am throwing everything up. They just can't seem to figure out why it is staying that way and why my bowels are refusing to work.
Today at noon I go in for a Colonoscopy/Endoscopy. They want to run a camera through my entire digestive track and see if they see any blockages or obstructions or can find out some conclusion to what is going on. I'm a little frustrated.
My poor husband has been a champ through this whole thing. It's not easy to be a wife of a food addict and have that person not be able to eat. I have not been nice, I have not been positive, and I feel like I cry everyday. It is really draining mentally and emotionally to be sick all the time. It's also hard to go from Doctor to Doctor and have them tell you that nothing is wrong, or they don't know what is wrong.
I know my body. I know I can't eat. I know I throw up anything I try to eat. I know that there is something wrong, so listen to what I am telling you and diagnose it. That is your job as a medical health professional!! I just wish I had my brother in law here to look over all my CT scans and figure out what is going on. I would really like to be a lab rat for the Medical Students up at the University of Utah Med School and have them do tests and tests until they find out what is going on with my body.
If I had one wish for this Christmas season, and I know this is selfish, but it is the only thing I want. I want a Doctor to look at me and tell me what is wrong and FIX IT. I want to be healed. I want to feel like Jilly again. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being in pain. I want to be able to eat again and stop whithering away to nothing.
You know, it's amazing how long the body can live without food. I have gone since October 30, 2009 without anything but liquids. I have gone since November 3, 2009 without any form of calories other than water and gatorade. I don't think it's too much to ask to want to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a Doctor actually spend sometime with me and figure out why food will not go into my stomach without coming back up through my mouth! I don't think this is too much to ask!!
I'm sorry I'm being so negative I have tried so hard to stay positive and know that everything is going to be okay, but today I don't feel that way. Today I feel like a Lab rat. Today I feel like my world is somewhat falling a part and all I can do is grip to the gatorade bottle in my hand and pray that I can make it last a little longer. God give me the strength I need please. If anything, give him the strength my Husband needs at this time.
D&C Section 121 Verse 7
My son, peace be unto your soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
4 comments:
Jill, you make me want to cry for you. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. What a miserable experiance you have to go through. I really hope they find something out soon. But really, have they checked you for Chrones disease? I know i mentioned that before but didn't hear if you had or not. Or have they tested you for ANY type of intestine diseases? or just simply tried to look and that's it?
You know, my mom went through the same thing as you did. (not exactly but close) She got down to 87 pounds and is 5'7 before they figured out she had celiac disease. She was a lab rat at the university medical center in kanasas city and she said that was the worst experiance of her life and would never, EVER do that again. And they didn't even figure out what was wrong with her, she didn't find out till after weeks of testing and going to another doctor. So I know you want that, but don't wish that upon yourself. I'll just say a special little prayer for you that they find out what's wrong with you. Also, i'm assuming you have, but maybe get a priesthood blessing?
God has a purpose for all of us and puts us through situations in our lives that we don't think have any purpose but to tare us down. But there's a reason for everything. Somehow after this whole ordeal is over, if you look hard enough, you'll find a blessing in disguise. It might just simply be that the doctors were able to find something major wrong with you and it could of been really bad later on, or just so you don't eat yourself silly during the holiday seasons ;-) No matter what it is, you'll get through it. I have faith in you girl. Keep your head high and even though it's hell for you right now, one day soon you'll be healthy again.
Oh Jilly, I'm so so sorry you are going through this horrible trial. Its amazing how much we take our health for granted, I know I sure do. You are an amazing example to me of staying positive despite what is happening. Hang in there girl! Love ya!
Thanks Jess and Kenz! I have been tested for Crohns and it came back negative. That is what is so frustrating is that every single test comes back negative. All the blood work and endo/colonoscopy, the ER trips, all of it. Everything comes back negative and I'm so frustrated. I go in for a CT scan and some test on my pancreas and liver today. The doctors have no idea why I can't eat and why only clear liquids will stay down. I have faith that they are going to figure it out though.
Yes Jess, I have had many priesthood blessings. I swear I have Dave give them to me weekly because I'm just in such a great need for them right now. My mom has put my name on the prayer roll and my family fasted for me yesterday. Things are going to work out. I just have to stay strong and know that my Heavenly Father knows I am there and knows that I am struggling.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but like the scripture says it will seem as a mere moment. :) Thank you for all the prayers and out pouring of love. I have such amazing friends and family and an amazing husband and I'm so thankful to all of you!
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