Well today is one of the many days I have to go through to try to get well. Last week I lost a total of 17.3 lbs. The doctors weighed me 1 week earlier and were absolutely blown away with what they saw when I was there the following Monday. I still have not been able to eat that much, but I did have a milestone this week. I have not had any solid foods since October 30th (crazy I know) but this week I was able to keep down a few bites of soup. This was amazing to me! I have lived on nothing but gatorade and water for 3 weeks, so to keep a few bites of soup down were incredible! It not only tasted delicious but I felt better then I had in weeks.Later on in the week I went and saw my Doctor. I still had not been cleaned out like he would have liked. I had taken 2 bottles of miralax and also 3 liters of Go Lightly. My body just doesn't want to seem to get well, so what I am putting in is not coming out. They can't really figure out what is going on. They know my colon is not working and they know it is full, thus the reason I am throwing everything up. They just can't seem to figure out why it is staying that way and why my bowels are refusing to work.
Today at noon I go in for a Colonoscopy/Endoscopy. They want to run a camera through my entire digestive track and see if they see any blockages or obstructions or can find out some conclusion to what is going on. I'm a little frustrated.
My poor husband has been a champ through this whole thing. It's not easy to be a wife of a food addict and have that person not be able to eat. I have not been nice, I have not been positive, and I feel like I cry everyday. It is really draining mentally and emotionally to be sick all the time. It's also hard to go from Doctor to Doctor and have them tell you that nothing is wrong, or they don't know what is wrong.
I know my body. I know I can't eat. I know I throw up anything I try to eat. I know that there is something wrong, so listen to what I am telling you and diagnose it. That is your job as a medical health professional!! I just wish I had my brother in law here to look over all my CT scans and figure out what is going on. I would really like to be a lab rat for the Medical Students up at the University of Utah Med School and have them do tests and tests until they find out what is going on with my body.
If I had one wish for this Christmas season, and I know this is selfish, but it is the only thing I want. I want a Doctor to look at me and tell me what is wrong and FIX IT. I want to be healed. I want to feel like Jilly again. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being in pain. I want to be able to eat again and stop whithering away to nothing.
You know, it's amazing how long the body can live without food. I have gone since October 30, 2009 without anything but liquids. I have gone since November 3, 2009 without any form of calories other than water and gatorade. I don't think it's too much to ask to want to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a Doctor actually spend sometime with me and figure out why food will not go into my stomach without coming back up through my mouth! I don't think this is too much to ask!!
I'm sorry I'm being so negative I have tried so hard to stay positive and know that everything is going to be okay, but today I don't feel that way. Today I feel like a Lab rat. Today I feel like my world is somewhat falling a part and all I can do is grip to the gatorade bottle in my hand and pray that I can make it last a little longer. God give me the strength I need please. If anything, give him the strength my Husband needs at this time.
D&C Section 121 Verse 7
My son, peace be unto your soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
