May 18, 2011

New York, New York

I have to do a little shout out to my amazing man. I know I have already posted once today, but I have to tell a quick little story on how cute my Davey is. I was sitting on my bed working on a recipe when he came into the room turned our song, "New York, New York", walked over to me and took me by the hand and danced with me in our bedroom. He has no idea how much this meant to me. The fact that I know he loves me more today then he did the day he married me. The way that he still looks at me like it's the first time he ever saw me. And his passion to keep our love alive like we were newly married. He is amazing.

Dave, thank you for all you do for our little family. You are amazing. I have the most amazing husband on this planet. I can't believe you picked me. Thank you for making me smile and being there to hold my hand when I'm scared. I love you from here to the dogs.

A woman who says it much better than me.

I know a lot of you don't know my personal struggle with not being able to have children like a "normal" woman. I don't share this with really anyone. I don't talk about how bad it hurts, how it makes me cry, how I have sobbed for hours and hours, how I write in my journal about how badly I want to be a mother, or how badly I want my husband to be a father. I don't talk about any of this, because it's easier not to.

Truth be told, I play it off and act like I don't want kids right now. It's a lie. I would do anything in this world to be a mother. It's all I could ever want from this life, next to being with my husband. I have the most amazing husband on the planet, and he gets me through each day. I don't know how I would do this thing called "Life" without him by my side. I know I have babies that are coming to me although I don't know how I will get them. I don't know when, or in what shape or form, but I know they are mine. That being said, I want to quote this beautiful woman's thoughts on the subject. My sweet cousin sent me the link to her blog today and I took a minute to read it. If you would like to go to her blog click here. This is how she stated her battle with infertility.....

Truth be told, it's not about reading. It's not about the fact, that for some reason, both of my boys ALWAYS (I mean always. WHAT GIVES??) skip the number four when they are counting.
It's the fact that I love to put everything on me.
MYTH: My infertility is about me. Personally.
This blog post is for me.

Dear Taylor,

You are a good mom. You love your children.

Heavenly Father knew that you could handle this trial.
He CHOSE you.

It is hard.
You can do hard things.

Sometimes when you feel your blood boil, and you want to scream at the top of your lungs,
It's ok.
Because it's not fair.
Life is not fair.

And that is what makes it all so beautiful!

You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works.
But yours does not.
And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it,
sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you.

But your infertility is not about you.
It is not an attack of your character.
It is not a punishment for something you have done.
It is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many.

You are not broken on accident.
Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving.
You were not forgotten.

Instead, He hand chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe he took you aside, put his arm around you, and with tears streaming down his very own face, knowing it will break your heart, asked if you if could carry this burden.
He promised you would never be alone. And he would bless you!
But, he would need to make you differently.
Not to break you.
But to create miracles for your eyes to see.
Every day.

You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole.

You may feel broken, and forgotten, in your divine right of motherhood.
But you were made from scratch!
Everything you have been given, has been given by God.
"The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard.
But don't ever feel broken.

To all of you amazing women who struggle with infertility, just know that I love you. You are in my prayers daily, and I am thankful for you strength.

May 8, 2011

Amazing Women...Happy Mother's Day

Yesterday I had an opportunity to spend the Saturday with some amazing women that I feel honored to have in my life. It was confirmed to me for the umpteenth time why I married the amazing man that I did. He comes from a huge long line of amazing Strasburg women.

For our wedding Dave and I didn't have anyone but our immediate families join us. We didn't have a reception, and I didn't have a luncheon with anyone but just his 7 sisters and their families and my 3 siblings and their families, so coming into this marriage all I knew was Dave's immediate family. Dave's immediate family is not very close with his father's side of the family. His father has I think 7 sisters, and 2 brothers. He came from a HUGE family of farmers. They have come to be some of the most amazing and special people that I have ever met.

My sister in law Nicole (Dave's baby sister) is getting married on June 2, and so in celebration her Aunt Louise Strasburg threw her a bridal shower to get the entire Strasburg family girls together. Wow, there is a lot of them.

During last summer I briefly had a chance to meet each of them, but for only about an hour or so at a family reunion. My health was still not doing too good, so we didn't get to stay for very long. Since then I have felt a huge amount of love and respect for these women, and have wanted to get to know them better. This shower was the perfect opportunity.

So Saturday afternoon I headed up to Salt Lake to this party, and of course I showed up 20 minutes late so I walked in right during the middle of a game. After the game was over I immediately got up and walked over to aunt Nola and aunt Nancy and gave them a hug. I remembered their faces and instantly remembered their special spirits. They opened their arms and hugged me and told me how grateful they were that I was there. That meant more to me then I think they will ever know. We sat and chatted for a bit until lunch was served and then we got up to go get lunch.

As I was standing in line, more of these amazing cousins that Dave has started introducing themselves to me. Some I had met and some I hadn't. They were all so kind and loving and went out of there way to make me feel loved and welcome. What joy it is to be in the presence of true daughters of our heavenly father. I knew that day that his love was there in abundance.

As we got our food we all sat down and started talking. I got to meet my Aunt Anne, who I previously did not get to meet at the reunion. She was so sweet and kind. She told me some fun stories of how she remembered my sweet husband from when he was a child, since that was the last time that she had seen them. Like I said before, Dave's immediate family really doesn't have anything to do with this side of the family, so it's like all of Dave's siblings are getting to know them for the first time as well.

As I made my way around that day and chatted with so many special women, we all sat down to get ready for Nicole to open her gifts from her aunts and cousin's, that she had not spent time with her entire life. That touched me deeply. These people that don't even know Nicole went out of their way to throw her a party, buy gifts, and make her feel special, as she should, for the greatest day of her life. It touched my heart deeply.

After Nicole opened a particular gift 2 of my cousin's had to leave. Their father was my father in law, Lou's, brother. He passed away many years ago, and I love that they still come to every party for the Strasburg family. That day they were headed to the cemetery. Before they left they came and knelt down in front of me and my cousin Jill, (Yes her name is Jill Strasburg) shared with me something that had touched her. She told me that she is faithful reader of my blog, and what one particular entry had made her feel. To me it was just me expressing my thoughts, as I always do on this little thing. :) She told me that her husband had recently lost his job, and although they were prepared for it, she found herself feeling a little down and little sorry for herself, which I think any of us in that situation would. Anyway, she said that my entry where I spoke about how Dave and I have literally nothing, I can't work, I have thousands of dollars in medical debt, Dave is a full-time student, we live with our in laws (because they are so gracious and kind to let us live here), and I really don't own much to my name, but I am happier then I have ever been in my entire life. Which I truly am. I have my amazing husband who loves me, I have a testimony that my Savior loves me, and I have amazing family and friends who support and love me. For some reason that entry was exactly what she needed to hear that day.

As Jill was kneeling in front of me, and holding my hands while tears fell from her eyes, she was thanking me. I couldn't believe it. This woman gave me the love and support that I needed that day. She lifted me like she would not believe. She was sharing her most intimate spirit with me in that moment, and I felt like the lucky one. How blessed am I that I get to call her my family? What an amazing feeling to be in the presence of a true daughter of God. I learned so much from her that day while she was telling me that I helped her. Wow.

Jill, Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for sharing that story with me. I'm glad it was there for you in a time when you needed it, and that in some way it lifted you, because yesterday your spirit lifted me. I feel honored to be your family. I love you with my whole heart.

I'm so thankful for small miracles. For the fact that this little blog, that I LOVE doing, and that I would do even if no one read, meant something to someone. If I have touched even 1 person through my stories then this entire blog is worth it.

The souls of women are great, and I feel honored to be a part of them. I feel such pride to say that I am a Strasburg, because I come from a line of strong, beautiful, powerful, spiritual, good, loving, and Christlike women. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday that my sweet Dave asked me to be his eternal companion, because I really think that I got the sweeter end of the deal here.

Thank you Strasburg women for teaching me what it is to be a true woman of God. I'm thankful for your love and spirits.

And a special Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing Daughter's of God out there. To my Mother Cay, my Mother Paula, my sister Jamie, my sister's in law, Chrissy, Lupita, Stacy, Melissa, Bonnie, and Laurel. I hope you hall have a wonderful Mother's Day not only because you deserve it, but because you are amazing Mother's, and I love you.

May 1, 2011

Burden of Thirst

Since today is Sunday I thought I would make a post about being thankful. Today I am thankful for something so simple. Something that I take for granted on a daily basis, and something that a woman 5,000 miles away from me spends 8 hours a day searching for. Water.

I was really sick today and wasn't able to go to church, so I got to spend the day watching PBS. They had an amazing show that was called "Best National Geographic Pictures of 2010". It's an amazing show, and if it comes on a again I would highly recommend watching it.

Out of all of the pictures that they showed, this one meant the most to me.It's called "The Burden of Thirst"

There is a group of women in Africa that spend 8 hours every day searching for water to provide for their family. If they don't do this 8 hour trek, and search, their families go thirsty and run the risk of death. Their entire day is spent walking to this well in the ground, digging for filthy water that I could never imagine drinking, and bringing it back to their families. They carry it on their backs in huge buckets for miles and miles in the deathly hot sun. For the life of me, I can't even begin to imagine what this would be like.

I'm sitting here on my bed right now drinking delicious water that I got from my fridge, in my 320z mug, and I never thought twice about it until this show came on. My water is fresh, and clean, and 5 feet from me. What a blessing it is. I have never been so grateful for water in all my life.

I'm so thankful for the simple pleasures and blessings that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. He does so much for me, and I never even think about it. I don't thank him enough for all the little joys that I get to have each and every day. In fact I complain so much when I'm thirsty because I don't want to walk upstairs to get a drink. I don't think I will ever look at a glass of water the same way again.