Sep 21, 2011

The Little Green Monster-Jealousy

It has been a really crazy last few weeks. I got a call from the Oprah Winfrey Network a few weeks ago letting me know that they are interested in me doing a new series for them. They weren't able to give many details because they were still getting things put together. I was so extremely excited and flattered I couldn't stand it. From there they kept in contact with me, and it has just been surreal, but so much fun. I can't wait to see if anything comes from this. Even if it doesn't, I just feel very blessed, and very flattered, that they would consider me for this new series. I feel so thankful that my story has touched so many lives across the country. I'm just a normal, average girl from Utah with a story that I'm sure a lot of people have, and so I feel very thankful to all of the people who have connected with my story and felt comforted by something I might have gone through or said, just so they know that they're not the only person that struggles with weight.

Through these past few weeks and the Oprah phone calls, and just being really excited it has been very tough as well. I have an amazing family and support system. I have an incredible husband who supports me 100% and is so proud of all his wife has accomplished. I have 2 incredible parents that push me to be my best and encourage me to always strive for greater things. They have always taught me that I am special, and should be proud of the woman I have become. I have amazing siblings who are always so overjoyed and full of excitement when I tell them what is going on in my life. They are just genuinely happy for me. I feel so blessed by these people who just love me, and encourage me. I have some incredible sister in law's who have been so excited for me and been my cheer leaders which means the world to me. It's always so nice to have family support because a lot of the times myself and others don't get that in this life. I think we always want our families to back us up, and when they don't it breaks your heart. I have some amazing friends who I love like sisters, and since this has all happened they have been so excited and loving and kind and just wanting to know more and more. It means to world to me. So to all of my amazing relationships in this life who support me and love me, I say thank you so much.

This past week has been a tough one though. I have come across some very jealous people who for some reason just can't be happy for me. I have never struggled with jealousy in my life, so I don't understand it that well, but I know it is real and it's bad. It causes people to treat you certain ways, to say very mean and critical things, and tear you down because you are so happy. It blows my mind. I think what has hurt the worst is that these same people that refuse to give me encouragement, support, love, and just be happy for Dave and me, will be overjoyed at something that someone that is close to both of us does. It's very hard for me to not take things personally when it feels so personal. I try to remind myself that the world doesn't revolve around me, and I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard when you see pure joy and excitement on their faces or in their demeanor, and voices for someone you both love, but their utter jealousy towards you. It breaks my heart. I never thought that something that could bring so much joy could bring so much pain at the same time. I am learning a lot about a lot of people the last few weeks. I am learning what type of person I am, and what type of people others are.

I feel very blessed to know that I can honestly say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I genuinely give everyone the benefit of the doubt, that I try to find something good in every single person I meet. I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm far from it, but I try so hard to always make others feel good. I love it when someone is happy or to see a smile on some one's face. I love just being able to sit and listen to someone express themselves, and be that shoulder to cry on if it will make them feel better. I genuinely love people, and I care about them. I get excited for people that I love when something great happens in their life. I try to show them how much I care about them by how happy I get for them. It never crosses my mind to think, "I can't believe it's them when it should be me." I just am not a jealous person. I think if something great happens to a person then they deserve it, and I feel privileged to get to be their cheerleader for a minute, so it breaks my heart when the people that I cheer on turn their backs on me.

I like to portray that I am a positive and happy person because I really am. That truly is the person that I am inside, but everyone has their struggles. I have spent many nights in tears the last week because of a broken heart. My little spirit has been crushed a few times by the way people have treated me. It's so hard for me especially when I know how good I am to them, and yet they won't do the same for me. I try to be strong, and let it roll of my back, but sometimes I can't. I try to tell myself that it is their issue and not mine, but it still hurts. It still makes me cry. It still makes me sad. I think it hurts the worse when you get treated this way by someone that you want so badly to love you. Someone that you just wish would treat you like you treat them. I have spent many nights on my knees asking for guidance, and although I know this is a learning process, and that God is trying to teach me something it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean it's easy. And it doesn't mean that it doesn't break my heart.

Thank you to all of you amazing people in my life who show me love, kindness, support, joy, excitement, and just lend a listening ear. You mean the world to me, and you are so special in Dave and my life. We are so blessed to have the people we have in our lives. Thank you for loving us the way you do. We know the people we can count on in this world, and I know you all know who you are, and I just want to tell you how thankful we are to have you and how much we love each and every one of you.

I know this week will get better. I'm so excited to speak to some amazing woman at Inspiration Unlimited in Vegas this weekend. I'm so excited to have my true cheerleaders (Dave, my Mom, and Dad) there with me. It will be a great week. I will get over this little hiccup and get back to myself, but just remember that even Jilly struggles. I have down weeks even if I do get calls weekly from Oprah. ;) I love you all and thanks for reading. I'll make sure to tell you all about this weekend when I get back!

Sep 3, 2011

Exercise can be Fun?!

I'm sure a lot of my readers know that at one point in my life I was 302lbs. I know that most of you know that I was also overweight my entire life until I had gastric bypass surgery when I was 20 years of age. I come from a family of very skinny, beautiful people, and it was hard growing up fat, but I will fully admit that I was not going to exercise if it killed me. I hated everything about exercise. Did I know it was good for? Absolutely. Did I know that it would help me lose weight? Absolutely I did. But there was nothing you could do to get me on that beautiful $1500 treadmill that I got for a high school graduation present. Hey, some girls get boob jobs from their Daddy's, mine got me a treadmill to make my fat butt skinny. (Love you Dad!) They're kind of the same thing right?! :)

Now getting that out of the way, most of you know that after I had gastric bypass I lost a lot of weight. I was boxing everyday and I loved every second of it, well then I get deathly sick and couldn't exercise even if I wanted too. I was stuck in a bed because I was too weak to walk on my own. Now that it has been a year and half since my life day (the day my life saving surgery was performed) I have made a goal that I am going to get my heart healthy. I want to do everything in my power to live as long of a life as I can with my sweet Dave. Everything I do in this life is for him, and for the opportunity that I hope God will give me to wake up to see his sweet face in the morning.

On Friday of this week my goal started. I don't have my boxing gym anymore, I don't have zumba, and I don't have a gym. These are all glorious things that people with money have, and since we are starving students and have nothing I have had to use my good 'ol streets of Highland and strap on those new running shoes my Daddy bought me (because I couldn't afford shoes and hadn't bought any in over 3 years, so thank you to my awesome father for loving me so much to buy me all the workout odds and ends that I need to be skinny) :0) and I headed out for a run.

I know you're probably asking yourself where my treadmill is, but when I was younger I gave it to my sister who was a starving student but a running addict. She had young children and couldn't leave her home to run, so I gave her my treadmill and she promised me that once her husband is done with medical residency and they have a little money she would buy me a brand new treadmill, so Jamie you have 1 more year. ;) Actually you have a year and half until Dave and I start medical school and we have our own place since we live with my gracious, kind, and loving, in-laws right now. Anyway back to my story.
My running shoes that Papa Kirk so graciously bought for me this month! Love you Daddy! Thanks for all the help when I have no money!

So I strapped on my new asics, pulled on my awesome new lime green and black running shorts, sports bra, and black tank, and I was ready. I was really going to do this. I told myself I would run for 15 minutes everyday for the 1st week. I have to build up. I mean you are talking to a girl that has never ran a day in her life. I chose to eat ice cream while my sister would go out for her jog. I chose to buy Krispy Kremes while my Mother and sister would go to the gym that they paid for a membership for me. So needless to say this is a HUGE deal. Jill Roberts Strasburg was going to run for the 1st time in 27 years! The clouds opened up and I think I saw God give me a thumbs up.
This is what I hope I will look like one day, and not so much like Homer up top.

I first did the regular stretching just to feel cool, because that's what you see people do. So I stretched for a few minutes and then I headed out. The first 5 minutes were a little tough, but after that I was really starting to enjoy this running thing. I figured that I probably looked like a freak but with my ipod rockin out to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" and my legs feelin pretty good I was having a blast. I ran for 15 minutes and then knew I had to do my cool down and relax. I mean I can only get about 900-1000 calories in my body a day, so I need to conserve some, but man that was actually fun.

For the first time in a long time I didn't feel the stress of money crushing down on me, I didn't feel nervous about Dave taking the MCAT and how in the world we are going to pay for it, I wasn't thinking about my filthy room, or how I have too much stuff with absolutely no where to put any of it, I wasn't thinking about my massive medical bills that I had to take from somewhere and pay, all I was focused on was how good I felt. I never had any idea that exercise could make me feel good. I felt free while I was running, and I'm sure people laughed at the way I ran while they drove by, but it couldn't have bothered me a bit. I was doing it and it felt great. I must admit, running without an extra 152lbs. of weight on me helped too. I had never ran more than 3 minutes at a time in my entire life and to run for an entire 15 minutes was unheard of. It was amazing what my body could do at 147lbs. I was blown away.

As I walked myself home I felt calm, peaceful, relaxed, and centered. I didn't know how things were going to get done but I just didn't care. I knew they would. The most important feeling that I felt though was that I was getting healthy. I was getting my heart healthy so that I could continue to spend incredible days with my hubby that I love so much. And just to prove that I'm really going to do this, I did it again today. Now since I have put in on my blog its like a contract because all of you will hold me to it, but I think this is an activity I can get used to. This is something that I am going to enjoy doing, and for the first time in my life I think I am going to enjoy exercise! So bring it on baby! Jilly the runner, is in the house!