Something new, fun, and exciting!

 I recently got accepted to be a volunteer at Primary Children's Hospital.  I was so thrilled I can't even explain!  This is something that I have wanted to do for years, but I finally feel like I'm healthy enough to do it.  It will only be 1 day a week for a few hours, but I can't wait!  

One of the main reasons I have wanted to volunteer at a Hospital (specifically this one) is because I have been given so much.  IHC has done so much for me while I have been sick, and I feel like I finally am getting the opportunity to give back a little.  I know what it's like to be sick, and I know how hard it is to sit in those hospital rooms all day long, all by yourself, and feel like crap.  I also know what it's like to have your loved ones be so worried about you, and come in a be with you thinking that it is going to be their last time.  I hope so badly that I can give my love and attention to the patients and family members at this hospital, like so many people did for me.  If I can cheer even 1 person up, give 1 person a little hope, or make someone's day a little better, then I will be happy.

Dave is going to school fulltime and he just got a job working fulltime at the VA hospital, so I need to find things to fill up my time.  This was a perfect option!  I'm just thrilled!  Maybe I can get my foot in so Dave can get a job here down the road  ;)  You never know!  I mean he does want to go into pediatrics.  I would love for him to be able to work at this Hospital one day.

Again, I just want to thank each of you who made a HUGE difference in my life while I was sick.  The ladies who came and visited me all the time, my dear friend who took her time to teach me to sew, the nurses who would spend sleepless nights with me at LDS hospital, my doctor who performed endless surgeries on me at 3am, and especially to my amazing family who stood by through it all.  I couldn't be more blessed.  I hope I can give to these patients what all of you gave to me in my time of need.  I love you all more than I can ever express.

One of those damn Bipolar Days!

I don't know how many of my readers know that I have Bipolar disorder, but I guess you know now.  :)  To give you a little glimpse into my day to day, I have Bipolar I Disorder with rapid cycling.  What does that mean?  I normally change moods anywhere from every 12 hours to every 48 hours.  I have been stable now for about 7 years, but I still suffer from 2 o3 manic days a month, as well as 2-3 depression days a month.  

Living with this disease for so long, I know it very well.  I know whether my depression is clinical or situational.  I know when I am manic, and when it's getting out of control and I know how to stop it.  I have become awesome at knowing how to adjust my medication, and the most important is I NEVER stop taking my medication, because no matter how well I feel; I understand that the medication is the reason I am stable.

Why am I writing about this?  Well because today and yesterday have been tough days.  The have been depression days.  Yesterday I was really emotional and crying and sad.  I was still emotional this morning, but then it pushed to my next level where I get emotionless.  I call it the "numb" stage.  I know that my depression is coming to an end when this happens, but this is the worst part of my depression days.  I would rather feel anything in this world than nothing at all.  Trust me, numbness is a horrible feeling.

It was good that today I had things that I had to do.  I had a meeting that I had to be to this morning, and I was running late.  I was already upset, and so it was taking me longer to get ready.  Finally I got out of my house and arrived at my meeting.  I was feeling just ornery and irritated, and just kind of like I didn't care about anything.  I was definitely not in the mood to talk to anyone.  Then something beautiful happened.  I walked into my meeting and this nurse that I have seen a few times in the last week, lit up and said "Hi Jill, it is so good to see you!"  I couldn't help but smile, and instantly forget about myself.  As I waited for my meeting to start.  She kept smiling at me.  Then she let me know that she looked up my blog, and that I inspired her.  I can't explain what this meant to me, when I was having a day feeling so uninspired and depressed.  To know that I had touched someone and that this crazy life I live is worth it even if it makes one person feel better it's all worth it.  It made my entire day!  I left my meeting feeling touched.  I was still dealing with the numbness, but I was appreciative of the fact that she went out of her way to make me feel good, when she had no idea how badly I needed it. 

I get home and as I'm pulling in my driveway I'm was just feeling empty (I know how could I feel this way when 25min earlier I had a great experience? The joy of Bipolar).  I came into my house and put all my stuff down and got on the computer.  I had a comment left on one of my blog posts by someone who touched me when I read her blog, and the things that she wrote to me lifted my spirit again.  Again I was so grateful for the love that God has for me, and how he continually knows what I need and gives of it freely.  When I feel so alone, sad, and numb, I have to remember that God still understands what I am going through, and he's there.  In these beautiful little moments of my day he let me know that I am special to him, that he loves me, and I'm worth it.

Thank you to you 2 special people today who did so much to lift my spirits.  I don't know if either of you will ever read this, but if you do I hope you understand what you did for me when I needed it so badly.  It's very rare that I post when I am depressed, but I felt like I definitely needed to post today because I am feeling grateful and touched while also feeling numb and depressed.  LOL  Oh the comedy in life.  I hope you all have a great day!

Love,

Your Crazy Bipolar Friend

You can't be Positive ALL the time

 I am truly grateful for all the people in my life who tell me that I have such a great attitude considering all of my health problems.  I admit that for the most part I really do try to keep a smile on my face and take everything with a grain of salt.  

I have come to terms that I will most likely have to have an endoscopy every single month to stretch open my stomach so I can eat.  I have dealt with having nausea 24/7, 365 days a year. I am okay with the fact that when I go out to eat, the meal I order will be coming home with me.  If I try to eat at a restaurant with a restricting bra pushing on my stomach I will throw up, so I go and enjoy being with my friends and husband; and I have a great meal when I get home in my pajamas.  It doesn't bother me anymore that I throw up at least once a day; no matter what.  It doesn't bother me that I wake up out of a dead sleep to throw up in the trash can next to my bed; I just roll over and go back to bed after.  I know that I have to have a huge purse FULL of certain meds, snacks, liquids, and insurance cards, every time I leave my house because I never know what the day holds.  I am even okay with knowing that I have about 3-4 hours worth of energy every day that I can get things done, and after that I have to sit down and take a break.  

I have learned how to live this new life that came after getting sick in 2009.  Not only have I learned how to live it, but I am truly thankful that I have a chance to live it.  But I want each of you to know that even though I love my life and am grateful for it, I am not happy and positive all the time.  Even Jilly has "Bad Days".

Have I mentioned lately that I have an amazing husband??  haha  Because I truly do.  Dave is so amazing, and patient with all he has to put up with when it comes to being my husband.  He is the person who see's me cry when I just want to eat because I'm hungry, but I'm too nauseated.  He has learned how to read my lips because at times the nausea is too bad that if I speak out loud I will throw up.  He carries me to the car when I am screaming in pain because food is stuck in my stomach, and he is the one that drives me to the ER and stays with me for the 4 hours it takes for the doctor's to get me well enough to come home.  

Dave comes and rubs my back while I hang my head over the toilet when I have eaten something I shouldn't.  He then will scrub down the bathroom because I'm too weak to clean it.  He never gives me grief about eating something that I know will make me sick, and always does make me sick.  He is the man who sits next to me on the couch when I am crying because I'm so frustrated with feeling sick.  He was the one who put his arms around me last night when I had to call my girlfriend, who I was so excited to go to dinner with; and tell her that I can't go because my food had been getting stuck all day and there was no way I would be able to go that night.  He makes jokes to try to make me laugh through my tears when I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party.  

The most important thing that Dave does is that he loves me through my pity party.  He knows that it's not going to last very long, and that I will be happy in a few minutes, but he lets me have my pity party.  He let's me whine and cry to him, and listens to me yell at God and ask him "why?", when he knows I should be asking "what?"  And Dave never, ever, gets mad at me for being sick.  He never asks why he has to deal with this, or why life doesn't get easier for him or his wife.  He just continues to love me unconditionally.

Dave is my hero.  He is the only one that see's my bad days.  He is the only one that is there 24/7 to see what I go through, and he is the one that stands by my side no matter what it is that I may be going through.  I complain all the time!  I cry all the time!  And I have been known to throw some fits; but not Dave.  He laughs at me when I am throwing my fits, and is there to hug me when I'm done.  He goes through so much that I will never understand, and he never whines about a bit of it.  So for all of you who think I'm positive and happy with the crap that I go through, you should meet my husband.  He goes through just as much, if not more than me, and never complains about a thing.  Now there is a man that is positive and happy all the time.  

People have told me that I'm their role model, and all I have to say to that is: "You should meet my husband."