Oct 15, 2012

One of those damn Bipolar Days!

I don't know how many of my readers know that I have Bipolar disorder, but I guess you know now.  :)  To give you a little glimpse into my day to day, I have Bipolar I Disorder with rapid cycling.  What does that mean?  I normally change moods anywhere from every 12 hours to every 48 hours.  I have been stable now for about 7 years, but I still suffer from 2 o3 manic days a month, as well as 2-3 depression days a month.  

Living with this disease for so long, I know it very well.  I know whether my depression is clinical or situational.  I know when I am manic, and when it's getting out of control and I know how to stop it.  I have become awesome at knowing how to adjust my medication, and the most important is I NEVER stop taking my medication, because no matter how well I feel; I understand that the medication is the reason I am stable.

Why am I writing about this?  Well because today and yesterday have been tough days.  The have been depression days.  Yesterday I was really emotional and crying and sad.  I was still emotional this morning, but then it pushed to my next level where I get emotionless.  I call it the "numb" stage.  I know that my depression is coming to an end when this happens, but this is the worst part of my depression days.  I would rather feel anything in this world than nothing at all.  Trust me, numbness is a horrible feeling.

It was good that today I had things that I had to do.  I had a meeting that I had to be to this morning, and I was running late.  I was already upset, and so it was taking me longer to get ready.  Finally I got out of my house and arrived at my meeting.  I was feeling just ornery and irritated, and just kind of like I didn't care about anything.  I was definitely not in the mood to talk to anyone.  Then something beautiful happened.  I walked into my meeting and this nurse that I have seen a few times in the last week, lit up and said "Hi Jill, it is so good to see you!"  I couldn't help but smile, and instantly forget about myself.  As I waited for my meeting to start.  She kept smiling at me.  Then she let me know that she looked up my blog, and that I inspired her.  I can't explain what this meant to me, when I was having a day feeling so uninspired and depressed.  To know that I had touched someone and that this crazy life I live is worth it even if it makes one person feel better it's all worth it.  It made my entire day!  I left my meeting feeling touched.  I was still dealing with the numbness, but I was appreciative of the fact that she went out of her way to make me feel good, when she had no idea how badly I needed it. 

I get home and as I'm pulling in my driveway I'm was just feeling empty (I know how could I feel this way when 25min earlier I had a great experience? The joy of Bipolar).  I came into my house and put all my stuff down and got on the computer.  I had a comment left on one of my blog posts by someone who touched me when I read her blog, and the things that she wrote to me lifted my spirit again.  Again I was so grateful for the love that God has for me, and how he continually knows what I need and gives of it freely.  When I feel so alone, sad, and numb, I have to remember that God still understands what I am going through, and he's there.  In these beautiful little moments of my day he let me know that I am special to him, that he loves me, and I'm worth it.

Thank you to you 2 special people today who did so much to lift my spirits.  I don't know if either of you will ever read this, but if you do I hope you understand what you did for me when I needed it so badly.  It's very rare that I post when I am depressed, but I felt like I definitely needed to post today because I am feeling grateful and touched while also feeling numb and depressed.  LOL  Oh the comedy in life.  I hope you all have a great day!

Your Crazy Bipolar Friend

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