Apr 8, 2013

The inablity to have Children

This weekend was great, but also very tough.  Every 6 months my church holds a conference where our leaders speak to us in 5 sessions for 2 days.  I'm always excited about this conference, but I'm also hate them at the same time.  They always bring so much happiness and sadness.  Without fail they always speak about the most important thing in my life, and the thing that I will never be able to do.  Have children.

I was in the car driving when a lady got up to speak.  I was listening to her on the radio and she started talking about how women are the most amazing creatures that God ever created, for they are "prized above all else because they bring life into this world."  Instantly my heart sunk and I gulped out loud.  My eyes started to fill with tears, and I soon had to blink just so I could still see while driving.  I missed the rest of her talk, because I was too busy screaming at God.  (Trust me he's used to this.  He knows me and I get in heated arguments with him quite frequently.)  I'm sure the people driving by me thought I was crazy because I was crying my eyes out and talking to myself.  lol  I hope I gave them a good laugh.

As I sat there in my car screaming at God and how horrible I think he is for sending me here and giving me the most amazing husband on the planet, and blessing me with a love for children that very few possess, and then not allowing me to bring my own child into this world.  How cruel and unjust can you be?!  Aren't you supposed to be a God of love?  Well then how can you send children to mother's who don't want them or father's who abuse them, or drug addicts for parents; yet you won't send me a child that would be loved beyond compare!  I don't understand you, and quite frankly I don't want.  I want you to beg for my forgiveness and give me a child!!!

As the tears streamed down my face I was suddenly filled with the most incredible love.  My heart was calmed and at peace, and I knew my Heavenly Father was letting me know that he loved me.  That he heard my cries, and screams, and that he understood.  Even though it didn't "fix" me, it fixed my heart at that moment.  I realized that he has a plan for everyone, and I have to let things go that I can't control.  This is not in my control, and I have to have faith that he will work it out.  No matter how frustrating it is, or how badly it hurts my heart, I have to turn this hurt, and this pain, over to my Father in Heaven.  Only he and my Savior know what I am going through, so I must ask for their love and support.  

Even though I felt his love, it didn't make everything okay and I don't think he was trying to make it all better.  I think he just wanted me to know that I wasn't alone.  That in my darkest times he is there for me.  I just don't understand how he would spare my life and give me the opportunity to continue living and then not allow me to have children.  It crushes my soul, and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it.

I know how much it breaks my heart, and I can't imagine how it hurts my husband.  The entire time we were dating we talked about the children we would have and what amazing parents would be.  How much we would love them and how we would raise them, only to find out that he is never going to get the opportunity to be a father.  He holds it together for me, but I see the pain in his eyes when he see's babies, or when he plays with his niece's and nephews.  How could God have done this to my husband?  I can't help but blame myself.  I feel so terrible about it, even though I know that Dave would have married me even if he knew we couldn't have kids.  He loves me for me and he married me because he loved me, not because I could or could not be a mother.

I know whatever is supposed to happen will happen and I know I have to have faith in God and leave it up to him, but that doesn't change the hurt and the pain.  It doesn't change the tears that come every single month on cue.  It doesn't change the horrible feelings I have toward myself all the time.  And it doesn't change how guilty I feel whenever I look at my sweet husband.

I'm sorry this isn't a very happy and uplifting post, but this is what I am struggling with right now.  This is very real in my life, and a situation that I deal with daily.  Please be grateful for the children you have and love them like today was their last day on earth.  You don't know how truly blessed you are to be a mother or father.  And to those of you who understand how I feel, know that you are loved and that some little blonde spaztic girl in Utah understands your pain, and I pray for you.  Hopefully one day we will all find peace.


Unknown said...

I stumbled upon your blog through a friend on facebook.
My husband and I struggled with infertility. I remember missing church on Mother's Day because I couldn't do it anymore. Conference was hard too. I remember that.
I loved the book "I am a mother" as it talks about how all of us our moms, even if we don't have kids of our own.
We went through 5 years of fertility treatments (after 3 years TTC on our own) and were finally blessed with our little man, and now we are battling the 2nd time.
It is hard in a religion/culture where what you do is "get married and have kids" to be the one who can't. I remember hating moving to a new ward because everyone asked us about kids.
You will be blessed, in whatever the Lord has in store for you and your family! And it is good to speak out! It helps give others the courage to do so as well.

Jenny and Justin said...

Hugs to you Jill! I love you!

Jilly Strasburg said...

@Becca, thank you for reading my blog and also for your kind words. It always helps to hear it from someone who understands. I just ordered the book from Amazon. I can't wait to get it. Good luck with your 2nd and congrats on your baby boy!

@Jen, thanks my darling friend. I love you so much you don't even know. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. You make everything so much fun!

Harding Family said...

Thank you for your post Jill. I am sorry for your situation but am grateful for you willingness to share. I am hugging my babies a little closer today. It was a reminder I needed!

Jilly Strasburg said...

Thanks for reading my dear. I'm glad you appreciate your sweet little ones. They are so precious.

rachel (greene) said...

you can adopt, you know. if you want to be a mom that bad....

Unknown said...

Adoption is the answer for everyone. I am sure her choices are made with much prayer and consideration. Even if she is adopting, it still doesn't change the fact that she has this void in her life while waiting for a child.

Unknown said...

OOPS- meant is not the answer for everyone

Jilly Strasburg said...

Thank you for letting me know that Rachel. It would be amazing if it were simply that easy. Adoption is definitely an option that my husband and I are considering. I appreciate that you let me know about it though in case I wasn't familiar. I hope you have a great day. And thanks Becca. I love you lady.