Gastric Bypass, Adoption, and Thank You!

I've received so many emails I can't even explain.  Your heartfelt letters, thoughts, compliments, heartaches, and joys, have touched me deeply. I'm so honored to have the pleasure of being a "part" of your life.  You truly enrich mine.  Through all of the emails there has been 1 overwhelming topic; the issue of me not being able to have children.  That is what I would like to address.

The clip you saw on Oprah made it sound like because of the gastric bypass surgery I am unable to bear children.  That is not correct.  I had extreme complications due to the gastric bypass surgery in 2005.  In 2009 I had to undergo 12 surgeries in 1 year.  I was unable to eat anything. I was on IV therapy to keep me alive.  It's because of these surgeries, and these complications that caused me to be unable to bear children.

I know this makes gastric bypass sound bad.  If you've watched my previous shows you know that I would have the surgery again in an instant.  Gastric Bypass is not a bad surgery.  I was unlucky; that's all it was.  People have complications with risky surgeries. That's the way life is.  It's not anyone's fault, it's just the luck of the draw.  Life happens, and you roll with the punches.  I'm just so grateful to be alive, because I was almost gone a few times.

I also want to discuss adoption because SOOO many of you have made the comment, "You can always adopt."  Trust me, I know this.  If any of you have adopted you know the process.  You know the emotional toll it takes on you, and you know how difficult it truly is.  It's not like going to the store and picking up some milk. Adopting isn't easy.  I know Dave and I can adopt, and it's an option for us.  Please don't think that I'm not trying or open to EVERYTHING possible to be able to be a mother.

I want to thank each of you for your love, and concern.  I'm truly blessed to have such beautiful, and amazing people in my life.  You've truly touched my heart more than I can ever express.  The sweet comments I have received have meant so much to me.  They have brought me happiness on some days that have been pretty hard.  You are such wonderful people, and I'm grateful to have you.

Gastric Bypass changed my life.  It wasn't the surgery that made me who I am today, it's because of how I changed after having the surgery.  The steps I took to become the woman I am today would not have happened if I didn't have Gastric Bypass.  I'm so thankful that I made the choice to have the surgery and change my life for the better.

Life isn't great because I'm thin. I've gone through hell and back to become thin.  Trust me, life isn't fabulous because you can fit in a size 4.  My life is great because I wake up everyday and choose to make it great.  I wake up with a smile, and decide that even though I'm in extreme pain all the time, I'm going to be happy.  Even though I have nausea daily, I'm going to smile and love the life I have.  Life is great because I make it that way.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.  You are amazing people, and I'm grateful to know you.  Thank you for your love, support, encouragement, positive attitudes, and the emails that I have saved since I was first on the show in 2005. (Yes, I really have them all saved.)  On days that are hard, I read through them.  They bring me such comfort.  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You all have truly blessed my life.

A Pain that only God knows

I woke up today in kind of a funk. I knew what it was instantly, because it's an all too common feeling. As I was thinking about the Oprah episode that is going to air this evening, I realized that this pain I was feeling was going to be told to everyone out in TV land. I don't know if that helps or makes it worse.  I just know that today I hate my body. Today I'm mad at God. Today I'm brokenhearted because I can't be a mom.

I sat in my studio making jewelry yesterday and as I made a particular piece for a mother, I was brought to tears.  I'm so honored to be able to make custom jewelry for women, to show off their family and the things they hold most dear.  At the same time, every time I make a custom piece, a little bit of my heart breaks.  What I wouldn't give to be able to make my own necklace with my children's names.  I would love to show off my babies around my neck.

I got an order yesterday evening for a baby girl turning 3.  What a fun age she is in.  I love it when I get to make pieces for little girls.  Her momma wanted something simple to show off her name, and to be dainty, yet beautiful. I was honored to make this piece.

As I thought about this little girl wearing her necklace, I thought about what it would be like to put a necklace on my own baby girl.  To give her a gift for her Birthday to show her how much I love her.  What a beautiful moment this mother is going to have.  These are things that I dream about.  These are the things that make me smile.  These are the things that break my heart.

I know there are so many big issues in today's world.  I know that me not being able to have children is so small in the big scheme of things.  Today it's a big deal for me though.  Today my eyes are wet from tears I have cried because I want to hold a baby in my arms.  Today my arms feel empty because I want a little child to hug me and call me mom.  Today I just feel empty.

I have the most amazing husband who comforts me through all my trials.  I have many health issues, I can't work, I hurt a lot, I'm weak a lot of the time, and even though everyone tells me how positive I am all the time; Dave gets to see my bad days.  He is there to hold me and tell me it will all be all right.  He's there to let me know that it's okay to have bad days.  He's there to comfort me when the pain is unbearable. He can help with all the physical pain.  

The pain of not being able to bear children is a pain that no one can help.  No one can  hug it away, or tell me it will be all better.  No one can understand unless they've gone through it, and no one knows the hole in your heart that you just can't fill.  It's almost a hopeless pain. It's the worst pain I've ever felt, and I feel so empty and alone.

On days like this I find comfort from God.  I know he listens, and even though he can't make it better, knowing that my Savior understands it all, brings me peace.  To know that they understand exactly the pain I feel, the pain that no one can understand; helps me cope.  I still have bad days like today.  I still cry, and feel sorry for myself, but at least I know I have someone to talk to.  I have a Father that loves me and will hear my prayer.  I have a Savior that will bring me peace.  I will be okay.

Oprah 2014

I wanted to let all of you know that my 4th Oprah episode is going to air on January 24th at 9/8pm Central Time, on OWN.  The show's title is, "Oprah: Where are the now?"  

I've kept my promise and let you all know!  You can watch my Davey for the 1st time on with me! I'm kind of excited for that!  

Thank you all for supporting, and loving me over the years.  It's truly meant so much to me.  I'm honored, blessed, and touched to have each of you in my life.

Jilly