I've always thought of myself as a person that has a lot of Faith. I believe that when I pray, God listens. I believe he inspires me to do certain things, reach out to other people, and be a good person. I thought I believed that he could comfort my heart when it was hurting. I didn't realize until lately that I wasn't allowing him to do that. I was crying inside because of the desire I have to be a mother, but when he would whisper to my heart and mind that all would work out, I didn't listen. I ignored it, and kept the bitter feelings in my heart. That is until this past month when I finally allowed him to calm my aching heart.
Dave and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. In that time we have faced some amazing trials. Trials that those of you that read my blog know only too well. We've gone through things that I hope the majority of people in this life never have to experience. We've been penniless, unable to afford anything because we were paying off medical debt. We've been without work, and both of us have been laid off. School was taking longer than expected because we didn't have loans available, I almost died within the first 3 months of getting married, Dave had to take a leap of faith with me and move to Salt Lake without a job and a place to live hoping that the Lord would provide for us, and through all of this; he has. He has always provided for us, been with us every step, and made our marriage so strong that nothing could break it. The tough times that we've had, and still have make us better people. They make us a better couple.
Knowing all that we've been through, and realizing that the Lord has been with us from day 1, I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't let him heal my heart. The emptiness that I felt because I'm unable to bear children has ripped me in 2. It's crushed my soul, put me through huge bouts of depression, made me feel like I'm less of a woman, made me ask why in the hell he put me here, made me wonder if the dreams I've had of my baby girl were all just pretend. I mean did I just make up the same dream that Dave had?? I was questioning everything. The only thing I wasn't doing was asking God to send me peace. I was living my life being mad. I was pouting, throwing a fit, and angry because I didn't get my way. Then one day this summer I woke up.
You're probably asking yourself, "Is she pregnant?!" The answer is no. I'm not pregnant. That's the beauty though is that I don't need to be. My heart is at peace. I asked God to take this pain from me. I couldn't bear it any longer. I couldn't hold that hurt in my heart. I had to learn to trust him all over again like I did when I had a 10% chance of living. Like I did when I made the decision to marry Dave. When I decided that I needed to have him be a part of my life again. I had to learn to jump off the cliff without seeing what was below because he simply asked me to. I had to have Faith that everything I feel and desire is real, and in time it will all work out. In his time, not in mine.
As I've come to the realization that he is in control, I have finally allowed myself to have Faith once more. I forgave myself for hating God, and I asked for his forgiveness. I told him I accept his will, and whatever happens will happen. Until then I will love the life that I'm blessed to be living. I will cherish every morning that I wake up to see Dave sleeping next to me. I will love my family, enjoy times with my friends, and be thankful for the food and shelter I have. I'll continue to pray and not turn my back on God like I have for so long. I'm finally going to let him be in control, and do as he wants me to do. What he wants me to do is be Happy, and have Faith that he knows the big picture. He knows the ending, and I believe that my ending is going to be Fabulous!
6 comments:
Hi again! Loved this post, you are such a great example to me. It was a good reminder for me to remember I should ask for peace. I have had all of those same thoughts. You have a great attitude, I admire your strength! We really should meet up sometime. Xoxo
Hi Jill,
I noticed your blog on CNN. Just wanted to ask you something about what you posted. You said that the LDS church was rejected by the Christian American Community. Why do you think that was? And if you believe in Jesus, don't you think that would be alarming to your faith?
Found your blog on CNN. I too write a blog - although not regularly. It's called wishingforababy.blogspot.com.
I once wrote a post called "Two IS a Family". Your post reminded me of that. It can be very difficult to have fertility issues AND be an LDS woman. I totally understand where you are coming from! I am glad you have found some peace.
Hello!
I read your blog and could not help but comment. I am the youngest of 6 in a Catholic family....what do Catholic girls do? We get married and have babies of course! I married the love of my life at 19...I had asked him out on our first date when I was 16 and the rest is history. We thought 4 kids was a nice round number and within a couple years realized we were not going to be able to get pregnant without some help....our insurance company spent $70,000 trying to help us(fertility was a covered benefit if you can believe that!)but it was not to be. I recall that my 25th birthday was heart wrenching because that was the day I realized I was not nearly in control of my life as I thought I was......skip forward to when I was 37....facing a hysterectomy, we thought we would give medicine another shot---maybe it had caught up with me and we might be successful--but no. Consoling ourselves with the fact that we are the proud aunt and uncle to 17 great kids and you could do a lot worse --it was time to let go and let God....hello hysterectomy. That was February of 2005. On December 21, 2005 at 2:05pm my cousin called....she had a co worker who was having a baby and was interested in finding adoptive parents....nearly 2 years to the day the phone rang again...our sons are now 6 and 8.
You have taken the most important steps--letting go--of guilt, anger, resentment----I once fell down a flight of stairs because I was crying so hard after hearing that my brother and his wife--both on drugs at the time--were pregnant with their 2nd child (all are well now!) and being so angry when I would hear of a child abuse case..... And you are letting God--letting Him do what he does---make us whole--fill our lives.
I have offered this advice with success in the past....look into adoption...get licensed as foster parents through the state as it is nearly free--then cast your net wide--tell folks at church, neighbors, the grocery store clerk, your gynecologist. A friend I gave this advice to has a beautiful daughter because her mother spoke to the lady who watered the plants in the public spaces of the office building she worked in---who happened to have a grand daughter pregnant and in college who did not know what she was going to do....
So, beautiful friend...it is time to sit back, relax and let God do what he does. God Bless and keep you.
Good girl... God Bless you and your husband... He will... be anxious for nothing...
Good girl... God Bless you and your husband... He will... be anxious for nothing...
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