What I'd tell the 300lb Jill.

I've thought long and hard about this post ever since it hit me that I needed to write it. Let me say that my hope for this post is that anyone battling an issue with weight, or any body issue, that they will find comfort in knowing that someone out there in this big universe understands. I hope they know they're not alone because I know many times I felt like I was fighting a war all by myself. That being said, I want to let you all know what I would tell the 300lb Jill now.

Dear Jill,

I know you're waking up today like every other day. You don't want to get out of bed and face the world. You don't want to be looked at, judged, or feel the "Evil Eye" from anyone else. You don't want to see your family and be reminded that you're different. You don't want to feel like a project when someone asks you if you want to go workout with them. You don't want to feel like every eye is on you when you put something in your mouth. More than anything, you don't want to feel unworthy of love one more day.

My beautiful Jill, I get it. You are not alone. There are so many fighting this battle along with you, and they all feel the exact same way as you do. I know this because I've received thousands of emails from people telling me all about it.  How they feel ugly, unwanted, depressed, sad, unworthy, unlovable, angry, hurt, and some even suicidal. They feel the same way you do at this very moment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Now that you know that, I want you to know some things about you, that you don't even know about yourself. You are magnificent. You are the most beautiful girl in this world. You have a smile that lights up a room. You have a heart of Gold. You're the most kind, loving, caring, and considerate person I know. 

Jill, you're a friend to the friendless. People lean on you because THEY NEED YOU. They don't want to be in your life out of pity or because they look at you as a project. You truly brighten people's lives. You make other people forget about their problems. You make others feel loved, and needed. I don't think I've ever heard you say something mean to someone in my life. Even when others are mean to you, you choose to love them. These are not characteristics of an unlovable and unworthy woman. These are qualities of a beautiful daughter of God.

You are so special. You're special beyond what you can even imagine. You make so many people happy.  There isn't a person you meet that doesn't leave your presence with a smile on their face. You're positive, optimistic, happy, and you always have a smile on even when you're hurting. You ALWAYS put others before yourself. Do these sound like something a horrible person would do?

I know that when you look in the mirror you don't see someone beautiful. You see that your face is too fat, your clothes are too tight, your hair isn't long enough, your boobs aren't big enough, your waist isn't small enough, your teeth aren't white enough, your clothes aren't cute enough, and most importantly; You are Not Enough. I'm here to tell you that You Are.

You may ask how I know this about you when you don't know it about yourself. I know because I was you. I've felt how you've felt, I've cried the same tears, I've begged God for all the same things. I know you. I was you. I Am You.

No one can judge you until they've walked in your shoes. No one can degrade you unless you let them. No one can hurt you unless you believe what they say, and you can Choose to Believe anyone. Please Believe Me. I'll never lie to you. I'll never hurt you. You can trust me.

You're beautiful beyond words. Your physical shape doesn't matter and never will.  The people that it matters to, are people that don't matter. What matters is the beautiful light you have inside. The light that shines through your smile. The light that makes others feel loved. The light that you were born with that has never left, it just gets shaded at times. It's the Light of Christ. That Light is within You.

I know it's hard when you're putting on your clothes in the morning and the tag doesn't read size 4. I promise you that when it does, that won't be good enough either. You'll never be happy with your size, shape, or anything else, until you learn to Love Jill. 

When you learn to love yourself, the rest of your issues melt away. No one can hurt you when you love yourself, because you don't need love from anyone. Your guard will be dropped, your defenses will fall down, and you'll finally realize what was there all along. You are a beautiful woman because of who you are inside and not what you look like on the outside.

I'm sorry it will take some drastic measures for you to find yourself. The  good thing is that even though you will go through some really hard times, and you will do things to change who you are physically, you will get to a place where you learn that your body appearance doesn't matter. You will be able to put on any size clothes, and care about how they look and not what the tag reads. You will walk with your head held high, and not constantly be thinking about what others are thinking about you, because you'll truly believe you are beautiful. You will KNOW that You Are Beautiful.

I've been a size 24 and I've been a size 4. Neither one made me happy. I felt ugly at both points. I didn't accept my body or myself at either size. It wasn't until I stopped caring about the number, and more about who the girl was that was wearing it that I started to feel beautiful. The size no longer defines me. The love I have for myself is what makes me who I am, and I truly am beautiful.

I know it's hard right now. I know you're in pain, and I know your heart is hurting, but remember what you've been taught. It won't feel like this forever. This too shall pass. This is but a brief moment in your life. You will endure it well, and you will become the person you've always wanted to be. The person that God always knew you were, and the woman that I am very proud to be. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are Perfect.

Love,

Jilly

Depression

I have the most amazing people in my life. People that I've never even met before, and the people that know me. They send me messages like, "Are you doing okay, you've been quiet on social media? Just checking because I love you." Or how about this one, "Jilly it's one of you best friends checking in on you! Write me back love. I need to know you're okay." This last one really touched my heart, "Jilly, I know you're depressed right now because you're not online. I know it will just take a few days to get over, but know that I'm here 24/7 if you need me. Love you." These messages mean more to me than anyone will ever know. Depression sucks. It's the worst torment a mind can go through. I'm going to tell you about mine.

I have Bipolar 1 Disorder with Rapid Cycling.  I'm medicated and am very faithful about taking my meds. Even with the meds though, I still have rough days.  I have about 3 days of Depression every month and 3 days of Mania. I know most of you don't know what Mania is, but for me it's a state where I don't sleep, I hardly eat, I want to talk to everyone, shopping is the greatest thing and the only thing I can think of, (which is why we just take the packages, unopened, back to UPS) and I couldn't even tell you what I bought.  Then it moves the next 24 hours to a state where I'm very quiet, and unemotional, I'm not loving to Dave, my motions are all very mechanic, and the reason for this is because my thoughts are racing faster than I can get out.  It's almost as if I'm on a roller coaster ride I can't get off of for 24 hours.

After the Mania comes the Depression.  Once again, I take my meds so this Depression isn't as severe as it was when I was younger and I tried to commit suicide. I don't get to that place anymore, and I never will.  My Depression comes on slow.  The first 24 hours I notice that I start to slow down, jewelry stops being interesting, I don't get dressed for the day, the household chores stop, and I just kind of sit around and think.

The next 24 hours is where I cry constantly. Everything makes me sad.  This is also when my anxiety kicks in.  Yes, I get horrible anxiety when I'm Depressed.  I feel like I can't breathe which makes me cry harder, I feel like my world is closing in around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it, and nothing in this world makes me happy.

The 3rd day is the worst, but I also know I'm coming out of it in 24 more hours.  I get really quiet, the tears stop and the worst feeling in the world sets in. Numb.  Feeling Numb is the worst sensation I've ever experienced and I live it once a month. Nothing is interesting. Nothing catches your eye. You can't smile for the life of you. Your emotions completely shut off and you feel like you're a zombie. 

My Depression stops after 3 days. If it doesn't I go to my doctor.  For the past 10 years though my medication has worked and I only go through a few days a month of this. I can't imagine what those of you go through on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis with you depression. It breaks my heart for you, and I'm so sorry you have to live it.

Nothing makes the world harder than depression. For me, I can't eat, I sleep all the time, my anxiety is overwhelming, and I'm unable to love the most important man in my life. Depression is similar to my 2nd day of Mania. I can't love Dave that day either. Not only are these 2 states hard on me, they do a world of hurt to my husband. He holds no contempt towards me. He knows I'll be back in a few days, and he just loves me through it. I have the greatest husband known to man.

For those of you that struggle, please know you're in my prayers. Your pain and anguish are not thrown aside like you think. I know you, I know what you're going through, and I love you. It's okay if you can't return phone calls or text messages because I do the same.  If people don't understand, that's on them. All you need to do is focus on taking care of you. Remember this my friends, "It won't feel like this forever, for this is but a brief moment of your life."

I hate Babies

Let's get really, real for a moment. I'm really hating babies at this moment in my life. We're actually going to work through my thoughts together because I'm dying inside.

I log onto Facebook today and 10 of the first 13 posts that come up are all on pregnant moms either finding out where they're having, blogging about what they're having, posting pics of the beautiful bumps, revealing the gender and on and on.  Argh!  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I know I come across as I have it all together, but I don't.  Last week when a radio station tore me apart for 2 days and had help from a woman who claimed to know me so well, I ended up in tears.  I'm not a rough and tough girl. I'm actually very loving, kind, and emotional.  

I love that my friends are all pregnant and having kids they've wanted their entire lives, but at the same time, I'm furious.  I don't want to see your bump. I don't want to have to pretend to be happy for you.  I don't want to read your blogs.  I don't want to watch your gender reveal on TV, and you know what?!  I know this is all my own issue and there's nothing you can do about it.  I'm allowed to be mad, but it's not at you.  I'm thrilled for you.

I know many would tell me that I have so much going on in my life, and I have so much to be grateful for, which I do, but the one thing I would trade my show for is to have a little baby enter my family. I would give up everything to have a little boy or girl for Dave and I to call our own.  I would give it all away.

Please don't tell me you're sorry, because I want you to be excited about where you are.  I just needed to let it out that it sucks.  It hurts.  It crushes me at times.  Right now I'll stay off Facebook for a while and Instagram until I can get through this hard part that I've had many times before.  It will pass. It won't feel like this forever.  I'll be okay.