Jul 27, 2015

Project Semicolon

 I don't know what a semicolon means to you, but to me it stands for something far more important that a simple punctuation.

Most of you that read my blog know that I have Bipolar I Disorder. What does that mean? Well, it means way too much to get into right now, but part of it means that I get depressed. At times, suicidal.

Before I was diagnosed with this disease I didn't know what was going on inside my brain. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why. At age 16, 18, and 22, I had to be put in a psychiatric hospital because I had either attempted suicide, or knew I wasn't safe alone. These were some of the most hard, trying, and lonely, times of my life.

I got diagnosed with Bipolar I at age 18. Even after being on medication I became suicidal (my medication wasn't working correctly). I isolated myself, and shut the world out. I sunk lower and lower than I ever imagined possible. I finally got to a place that was so dark, and empty, that I became completely numb. If you've been there, you know that feeling anything is better than feeling nothing at all.

I had left early one morning, walked up this mountain and came to a cliff. I sat there talking to God and making peace before I jumped. I knew how much he loved me, and I knew he'd understand. No one deserved to feel this way. If anyone knew how this felt, they wouldn't ask me to keep going. As I stepped onto the edge of that cliff, an angel in the form of an inspired woman stopped me. She literally talked me off the ledge.

I didn't how I was going to get better, but while in the hospital I found some hope. I still wanted to die, but I also wanted to LIVE. I knew that if I could hold onto that hope, I might have a chance.

Over 10 years have come and gone since that moment. I've spoken to schools, on Oprah, to mental health professionals, newspapers, and government agencies, all over America, with the hope of getting medical coverage for mental illness, AND letting people know that they can learn to live again. I promise, it is possible to come back from suicide. It is possible to truly Live Again.

A few years back I lost one of my best friends, along with my uncle to suicide. It's been my mission from that point on to teach everyone I can that you can learn to love life again, and that it's okay to struggle. It's okay to ask for help, and it's even more okay to accept it.

If you know or think someone is struggling but don't know what to do, simply reach out. Send a text, an email, a phone call, a card, ANYTHING. Be a Savior to someone. You never know what an impact it will make if you don't Try.
YOU CAN SAVE A LIFE (just like mine).

Jul 5, 2015


“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.” 
-Jeffrey R. Holland

Each of us wake up everyday with a trial of some kind. If you don't, you're sure to have on by the end of the day. Whether it's trying to get out of bed because of your depression, trying to not take that pill when you know you've already had the prescribed amount, trying to not use profanity, trying to be more polite, or just trying to survive the day. Everyone has trials. The question is, what can we do about them?

I started this post off with one of my most favorite quotes. It's brought me so much comfort over the years. There are times when I feel as though I'm doing everything God asks of me, and I'm just barely keeping my head above water. Then in the distance I see a Tsunami headed right for me. I know I'm going to drown. I know that if this Tsunami hits me, I'm done. I can hardly keep my head up as it is, how on earth am I going to survive this?!

All at once when you're struggling to stay about water the Tsunami hits. You're tossed and turned under the water, just coming up for air every 20 seconds to gasp and then you're tossed back under. Finally after the waves settle, you realize you're still alive. You're broken, and beat up, but you're alive.

Why is that? Why is it when we know we can't take anything else on, the wave comes, and yet we are still able to go on? I've thought about this a lot in my life. When I can't take 1 more thing, and that 1 more thing comes anyway, I still wake up. The sun still rises, and the world keeps turning. I may be bruised, but I can keep going. Again, why is that?

I don't know how many people believe in God, but that's not the point. The way I get through Tsunami's is by getting on my knees. When I can't stand anymore, I kneel. 

He never takes my trials away because God doesn't do that. He has to follow the laws of the universe just as you and I do, but he will send his son and the holy spirit to comfort me. He will send those guardian angels to my side as I sit on my knees, and they'll pray with me. I know this is the case because I feel it. When I can't possibly go on anymore, I feel the strength he sends me, and I'm able to keep going.

For people that don't believe in God, that's fine too. I'm just telling you what I do. If you believe in Good Energy, Love & Light, Karma, or a different God than me, that's the only thing that matters.When you can't do it alone anymore, but you also don't think there's anyone out there that you can ask for help, ask the world to send good vibes to you, ask your God to give you strength, ask mother earth to send Love & Light into your life. Ask because it helps. Ask because it's healing. Ask because it's accepting that you are human, and you have weaknesses. Ask because it'll make you a better person.

There's something very humbling about admitting that you can't do it alone and need help. Why is that so hard? I know when I'm in my darkest moments, those are the times that I isolate and push the world away. Why would I do that, when I so desperately need the love and understanding from others? Why am I ashamed to have trials? Everyone has their "thing" that causes them grief, so why can't we lean on each other and help bring others back to life?

Everything in this life is a give and take. I know some people feel guilt when they ask for help. Next time you need help, and have to ask, remember this; there's going to come a time when someone will need your help and you'll be able to return the favor. Karma is real, and a very beautiful thing. It's something we all need in our lives.

I want each of you to know that I know what it's like to struggle. I know what it's like to lock yourself in your mind and not allow anyone in. Don't think that I'm great at asking for help because I'm writing this post. I assure you, I'm not. It's hard. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet I did it. When I was dying and in the hospital for 3 months, and then sent home to live out the rest of my days (which they gave me about 3 months) I had to reach out. I had to ask for help. I needed people because I couldn't do it alone. It was so hard, but so beautiful. The love and kindness I've been showed will stay with me forever. Thank you.

People want to help, they just don't know how. Most people would be there in a second for you, but you have to ask. You have to force yourself to pick up that phone and call or text a friend for help. Don't stay locked in your cage. Every bird needs to escape and spread their wings. Allow your friend to help you learn to fly. 

You'll always have hard times. You'll always have a trial. Just remember that the reason you're having a trial (or many) is because it's an opportunity for someone to help and love you. Something each of us desperately need in this life. Let people in. Let people love you. Allow them to carry you until you can carry yourself. I promise you, it works.

 “If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”
-Jeffrey R. Holland