I have the most amazing people in my life. People that I've never even met before, and the people that know me. They send me messages like, "Are you doing okay, you've been quiet on social media? Just checking because I love you." Or how about this one, "Jilly it's one of you best friends checking in on you! Write me back love. I need to know you're okay." This last one really touched my heart, "Jilly, I know you're depressed right now because you're not online. I know it will just take a few days to get over, but know that I'm here 24/7 if you need me. Love you." These messages mean more to me than anyone will ever know. Depression sucks. It's the worst torment a mind can go through. I'm going to tell you about mine.
I have Bipolar 1 Disorder with Rapid Cycling. I'm medicated and am very faithful about taking my meds. Even with the meds though, I still have rough days. I have about 3 days of Depression every month and 3 days of Mania. I know most of you don't know what Mania is, but for me it's a state where I don't sleep, I hardly eat, I want to talk to everyone, shopping is the greatest thing and the only thing I can think of, (which is why we just take the packages, unopened, back to UPS) and I couldn't even tell you what I bought. Then it moves the next 24 hours to a state where I'm very quiet, and unemotional, I'm not loving to Dave, my motions are all very mechanic, and the reason for this is because my thoughts are racing faster than I can get out. It's almost as if I'm on a roller coaster ride I can't get off of for 24 hours.
After the Mania comes the Depression. Once again, I take my meds so this Depression isn't as severe as it was when I was younger and I tried to commit suicide. I don't get to that place anymore, and I never will. My Depression comes on slow. The first 24 hours I notice that I start to slow down, jewelry stops being interesting, I don't get dressed for the day, the household chores stop, and I just kind of sit around and think.
The next 24 hours is where I cry constantly. Everything makes me sad. This is also when my anxiety kicks in. Yes, I get horrible anxiety when I'm Depressed. I feel like I can't breathe which makes me cry harder, I feel like my world is closing in around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it, and nothing in this world makes me happy.
The 3rd day is the worst, but I also know I'm coming out of it in 24 more hours. I get really quiet, the tears stop and the worst feeling in the world sets in. Numb. Feeling Numb is the worst sensation I've ever experienced and I live it once a month. Nothing is interesting. Nothing catches your eye. You can't smile for the life of you. Your emotions completely shut off and you feel like you're a zombie.
My Depression stops after 3 days. If it doesn't I go to my doctor. For the past 10 years though my medication has worked and I only go through a few days a month of this. I can't imagine what those of you go through on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis with you depression. It breaks my heart for you, and I'm so sorry you have to live it.
Nothing makes the world harder than depression. For me, I can't eat, I sleep all the time, my anxiety is overwhelming, and I'm unable to love the most important man in my life. Depression is similar to my 2nd day of Mania. I can't love Dave that day either. Not only are these 2 states hard on me, they do a world of hurt to my husband. He holds no contempt towards me. He knows I'll be back in a few days, and he just loves me through it. I have the greatest husband known to man.
For those of you that struggle, please know you're in my prayers. Your pain and anguish are not thrown aside like you think. I know you, I know what you're going through, and I love you. It's okay if you can't return phone calls or text messages because I do the same. If people don't understand, that's on them. All you need to do is focus on taking care of you. Remember this my friends, "It won't feel like this forever, for this is but a brief moment of your life."
