The Thoughts I Hate

It will always get Better. I Promise.

This week has been extremely tough. My Bipolar was acting up, and I had this day of depression. It was some of the worst depression I have ever felt. All I could think of, was that this is what I lived with for weeks before I was 18 and on medication. It was crushing. It made my entire body physically hurt. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped in 2. It was excruciating. The worst part were the thoughts. Suicidal thoughts squeezed their way into my brain, and I couldn't breathe. Those are the thoughts I hate.

When I was 18-22 I was in the psych ward quite a bit because they hadn't found the right medications for me. I remember vaguely how horrible that depression was. I never thought I'd experience it again. That was, until yesterday. 

First let me tell you that I'm not suicidal. I was having suicidal thoughts, but I didn't have the desire to act on them. I knew I could make it through this because I wasn't suicidal. The thoughts were draining, painful, scary, lonely, and agonizing.

There was a moment when I was home all alone. I had just got off the phone with Dave, and I had sobbed the entire time. When I hung up I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth. Looking back I knew I just needed to be comforted, and so I had to comfort myself.

As I sat there rocking back and forth with these suicidal thoughts playing in my head, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then without realizing it, I had the thought that I hadn't prayed and asked my Father in Heaven to send me comfort. Instantly I cried out and asked him to heal my heart. I don't know how to describe what happened next, but I felt physical arms around me holding me tight. The feeling of love and comfort was something I had never experienced before. Slowly I stopped sobbing and was able to breathe. He sent me peace the moment I asked. Ask and ye shall receive.

The depression didn't go away. I didn't expect it to. What I asked him when I cried out was to just help me be able to handle this pain, and to please take those dark, evil, and crushing thoughts out of my head. He did. He listened to me, and he answered me. He answered me because he loves me. Just like he loves you.

You all know that I don't care what religion or beliefs anyone has. That's not my place to judge. I want each of you to know though, that no matter what you believe in, you can always ask for peace and comfort. It can be from my God, your God, Mother Earth, The Light and Energy, all of it. Just know that you can ask for peace. You can ask to be comforted, and you will be. You'll be comforted because whatever you believe, that spirit, soul, or energy, knows you. It loves you, and it's always there for you.

I don't know how many of you have had suicidal thoughts before, but they're terrifying. I knew I was okay because I didn't have a desire to act on them. Over the last 13 years I have learned how to deal with my illness. I know my limits, I know when I have to change, and I know when I'm in too deep. 

When I'm in that deep, numbness, the hardest thing is to reach out and ask for help. You have to though. Don't allow those thoughts to suffocate you. Don't give up. Keep going. Keep fighting. Your story isn't over. There's so much more to live for even though you can't see that now. I promise, you will make it through if you ask for help. Please, ask anyone. Email me. Just reach out, because you're never alone.