Oct 27, 2018

The Weight of Gaining Weight

First, let me apologize for not updating my blog for over a year! I'm such a slacker, and I'm truly sorry. I normally write when I feel compelled to share something, and I just haven't been that inspired as of late. This post though has been on my mind for quite some time. I hope it helps anyone that understands what I'm about to talk about.

After my surgery, things got so much better. I still have to go in for endoscopies to stretch my stomach so I can eat, but eating has been much better. For those of you that don't know, throwing up is a part of my daily routine (TMI right?! LOL). Over the last several months, it's gotten better. It's been amazing to see how my body is healing, and getting healthy, every single day.

Okay, let's dive in and talk about WEIGHT. Since 2005, I have NEVER gained weight. In fact the exact opposite. I have lost weight continually for years, and years. It led me to get down to 112lbs on the day of my surgery last year. Since then though, it's amazing how well my body is doing. I have been able to gain weight to the point where I'm back to where the doctors want me to be. I currently weigh 153lbs, which is absolutely incredible to me! That being said, it hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been downright HARD!

I know it probably sounds stupid considering I almost died from starvation, but gaining weight has kind of rocked my psyche a bit. Going to the doctor, and getting on the scale to see what I weigh, just freaks me out. When I see it, I always take a gulp. I mean could I really be 153lbs?! As insane as it may be, gaining this weight has been hard. I have this constant terror inside me, that I may possibly gain too much weight. I know that sounds crazy, but you have to realize that I literally haven't gained 1lb since 2005. Putting on weight now is just a little tough mentally.

It started this summer when I was in Sweden (which was AMAZING!). I noticed some of my clothes were fitting tighter than usual. I didn't think anything of it at the time because I was traveling and figured my body was swollen. That wasn't the case though. As the month there went on, I realized that I had put on my first weight since my surgery. It was a little hard to handle, but I dealt with it. 

When I returned home from Sweden, I continued to gain weight, to the point of where I am now. It was a shock to have the clothes that have fit me for 10 years, suddenly be too tight. I know it shouldn't bother me. I mean hell, I LITERALLY almost died from starving to death, and now I'm gaining weight, and I think that's a bad thing?! Am I insane?! The answer, yeah. I am a little insane.

You have to realize that my entire childhood, and into my early adult years, I was morbidly obese. The fear of seeing those numbers go up, and up, on that scale scared me to death! All I could think of is that it wasn't going to stop, and I was going to put back on all my weight. My crazy brain was wrong about that though.

When I hit the weight I am now and had to buy a bunch of new clothes, my weight leveled out. It blew my mind because I wasn't expecting that. My body got to where it's comfortable being, and it's stayed there. You would think that I would've been overjoyed that I put on weight and that I was back to the exact healthy weight that the doctors wanted. Wrapping my head around my new "fuller" figure was a little bit more difficult though.

I'm lucky to have the most amazing husband that has ever walked to earth. He married me when I was 180lbs. Since that day I was slowing dropping weight, day after day, from being sick. To Dave, my new weight is the greatest thing ever! I have more energy, I live a much healthier life, and my husband is so thankful that he has his wife back. He's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, and that he's so grateful that I've put on weight. He's truly my angel.

Let me see if I can help you understand why this has been hard for me. My greatest fear is losing control and becoming obese again. I don't really have many fears in life except spiders. I freaking hate spiders. Other than spiders though, my true, one and only fear, is that I'll become overweight, and no longer be healthy. Putting on the smallest amount of weight is something that kind of makes my stomach turn. I have to focus though and remind myself that it's an amazing gift from God that I'm actually able to eat and be healthy once more. It really is a gift, and I now have a third, no fourth, chance to truly live. I'm alive, and it's incredible!

I'm truly so grateful for this amazing body that just keeps going. I'm so thankful for the weight that I've put on, and for the energy, and true health it's given me. Even though it's hard, it's the greatest gift I've ever been given. I truly can't believe that I'm able to live a normal life once more. It really is amazing.

Yes, I'm still in constant pain from my stomach. Yes, I still throw up every single day. Yes, I still have to have my bra off to eat food, and so lunch dates aren't my favorite thing in the world, but more than anything, Yes, I've put on weight, and it's phenomenal!! I'm truly the most blessed, and luckiest, girl on the planet! I can't believe I'm even alive to write this post.

Thank you so much to each of you that helped me pay for my medical expenses. I'll never be able to repay your incredible kindness, and generosity. What you amazing humans did for me, touches my heart more than I can ever express. You truly saved my life and helped me live. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Because of each of you, I'm alive. It's more than that though. I'm living! I'm literally able to live each day and have the energy to go out and do things. It's amazing to me each and every day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Dave and I both, are so incredibly grateful.

I hope this post doesn't come across as me complaining about my weight. That's not the purpose of it. I just wanted to share my feelings about my fears, and also let each of you know that I'm doing incredibly well because of YOU! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! I couldn't have done this without you!